In my weakness He is stronger

Yesterday was an incredibly blessed day.

From the moment I woke up, my eyes were burning & completely dry. I looked in the mirror and they were extra red and bloodshot. I was moving so slow and didn't even feel like speaking, I was so tired. While I did my hair I thought through the day, "Get everything for Pure Rebellion before I head to work. Oh! I need to put gas in my car before work. Man, I'm going to be late. One more day, just one more day of Spring break for the kids. It's 'crazy hair day' today! Well at least that's fun. Yes! Pizza & a movie with the kids... maybe I can take a nap during the movie. I should ask my supervisor if I can leave early... I could go home & nap before the evening. I'm going to miss prayer at church! It's going to be such a long day..."

And on and on my day went.

Later I realized I forgot a few things at home so my schedule was shifted from what I had planned... I wanted a swift day. But alas, the Lord works in mysterious ways.

Once I got through rush hour I got to church. Ready for the big night! Not really.
I was SO tired... the tiredness that makes you want to collapse, lay on the floor motionless and just let the tears seep out while your body aches.

After seeing my precious Pure Rebellion family and my [biological] sister (praise the Lord she came!), I needed some alone time with the Lord. "Where can I just be alone with You Lord?" The entire church was packed for the event... it seemed impossible. I went to the bathroom and locked myself in the largest stall wanting to curl up on the floor (which I didn't because that would be kind of icky). Instead I faced the wall just speaking to the Lord under my breath. No one was there. I cried and knew that tonight was His night. I walked out of the bathroom wiping my tears, yet I wanted more. More of Jesus. My thirst was still there. My body was weak. My soul was weary. The Lord said, "The prayer room."


Duh! I praised the Lord for that room because it's newly built. I hastened to the room and closed the door. Chairs in a circle, a map of the world majestically hung on the wall, corner tables with Bibles, and empty :) I knelt on the floor and spoke with my Father.
I sang a song to Him.

The event was already underway and I prayed for lost souls, for a redeeming work, for coworkers, friends, family, my weariness.

I stood, still weeping, and I just couldn't do anything else but raise my hands. The Spirit gave me His words to utter while I felt burning inside me and the tears fell.

"For the glory of Your name Lord!"

Afterwards, I sat down on a chair looking at the map of the world and the Lord told me, "That's Mine."
Everything is His. All of it. All of the lands, the people, the universe.

"For the earth will be filled with the knowledge of the glory of the Lord, as the waters cover the sea." Habakkuk 2:14 (NKJV)


I took His Word into my hands and shifted through the pages till I got to Psalms. "Give me a song for You Lord," I said. I sat on the carpet in a corner.

He led me to Psalms 42:8, which I've been clinging on for the past 3 weeks, "Each day the Lord pours His unfailing love upon me, and through each night I sing His songs, praying to God who gives me life." (NLT)

I went to verse one of chapter 42 and smiled. "As the deer pants for the water brooks, so pants my soul for You, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God... Why are you cast down O my soul? And why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God; For I shall yet praise Him, the help of my countenance and my God."


I sang a song to Him once more and praised His holy name.

The night breezed by. It was the most blessed, swift, un-burdensomed night I have ever experienced. In all of my weakness, my body felt renewed, my soul strengthened. I didn't even feel nervous being on stage. The sweet smell of redemption filled that place and surfaced to the Lord. The front was filled up when the altar call was made, so much so that the walkways were backed up. A sea of faces before the Lord! The young and the old gathered, kneeling, crying out, thirsty... for the living God. Voices raised singing out His praises and even with one voice shouting a war cry that made the enemy's knees give out.


"For He says: 'In an acceptable time I have heard you, and in the day of salvation I have helped you.' Behold, now is the accepted time; behold, now is the day of salvation." 2 Corinthians 6:2 (NKJV)

Non-fiction Narrative

"How much do You love me?"

"This much," He said as He opened His arms and died. "I love you so much that I came to where you live and felt the same way you have felt. I love you so much that instead of staying in My glorious throne, I was shattered for you. I felt what it was like to run as a young child through the fields, and even fall scraping My knee. I love you so much that I would rather be the Tribute for you than see you lost forever. I love you so much that each day I send my angels to guard your step. I love you so much that My Letter to you remains true throughout the ages. I love you so much that whatever you're going through I can say I went through much worse... for you. I love you so much that I am Love and I am in you. I love you so much that I know exactly what you need before you even fathom it and I show you the way. Even when you don't see Me, even when you don't hear Me, & even when You're distant... My love pursues you."

I stood enamored.

"How much do you love Me?"

Knowing He can see right through me, straight into my heart's crevices I said,

"Not enough."

I lowered my head not compelled to retreat my answer because He sees my desire.

"You know." my mouth uttered. "I open my mouth to lift up a song to You because melody is the way my heart honors You. I call out to Your name because my hope lies in You alone. I cry out for Your forgiveness because I remember You on the cross yet I shout for joy because You are alive! My heart implodes and explodes at the sight of Your creation and mighty works! Yet, with everything that I do I know that it will never be enough."

He lifted my head and said, "I am enough."

I raised my hands and offered up my life to Him, "This is all I have. Would You take it?"

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"Hold firmly to the word of life; then, on the day of Christ's return, I wil be proud that I did not run the race in vain and that my work was not useless. But I will rejoice even if I lose my life, pouring it out like a liquid offering to God..." Philippians 2:16-17

Confrontation

My hands clam up.
My breathing becomes shallow.
My heart races.
My throat closes up.

I feel like I'm going to battle or something (with a load of fear)!

But it's only Confrontation.

I am terrified of confrontations.

But don't imagine me as a timid, weak girl that lets people have their way with her all the time. No, it's not that extreme. I am able to speak to maybe a coworker, or my boss, or my sister about something that needs changing... I'm ok with stuff like that.

But what makes me spaz are confrontations that are emotionally charged. I feel like running away. And even if the situation isn't an emotional one, if I'm emotionally charged with that person, I freak. Sometimes I can't even seem to control my tears from coming out... My mind says, "Stop it!" but my heart says, "I don't know how."

"Why?" I ask myself.
I could honestly list out so many reasons... but that would just take me to the past & what I really want to do is move forward.

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control." 2 Timothy 1:7 (AMP)

Touché.

My nervousness, anxiety & reaction to some sort of impending doom is nothing but my lack of trust and my dis-belief that the Lord has given me that spirit: of love, calm, a well-balanced mind, discipline & self-control... directly from Him!!

When I approach a confrontation, the Lord is with me.
He is with me.
With me!!


Now that I think about it... Jesus was all about confrontation. Oh man... the Lord just spoke to me again.
I shall return.

Crave

There are times when I really crave chocolate... chocolate with almonds... & lately, chocolate with almonds and sea salt (so good). There are other times when I crave apple cider... caramel apple cider. Other times I crave water, I'm thirsty.

What is a craving?
1. a powerful desire for something
2. begging for something

The word actually comes from the Old English word of to demand or claim as a right. As in, you must have it.

Well, I want my craving to be Jesus. I need my craving to be for Him only.

Dad led me to read 1 John 2:16 last night as he shared what the Lord has been revealing [something huge] to him recently that has completely shaken him up and pretty much redefined his lifestyle. It says...

For all that is in the world-- the lust of the flesh [craving for sensual gratification] and the lust of the eyes [greedy longings of the mind] and the pride of life [assurance in one's own resources or in the stability of earthly things]-- these do not come from the Father but are from the world [itself]. (AMP)

The New Living Translation says,

For the world offers only a craving for physical pleasure, a craving for everything we see, and pride in our achievements and possessions. These are not from the Father, but are from this world.


It's crazy to read this because we live in this type of world, where it's all about pleasure, sexual pleasure, visual pleasure, physical pleasure, making ourselves feel important, being more secure the more money you have, feeling complete when you have enough money in the bank but feeling destitute & empty when you don't... We are completely immersed in this lifestyle. Yet, the Lord's Word tells us that that's not from Him.

The Message [version] says,

Practically everything that goes on in the world- wanting your own way, wanting everything for yourself, wanting to appear important- has nothing to do with the Father. It just isolates you from Him.


WHAT? Isolation from God? MAY THAT EVER BE FAR FROM ME.

That just makes me want to sprint in the opposite direction... towards Christ!! Running for my life.

Recently, a friend and brother of mine taught on "A life on fire for God."
That pretty much sums it up. Shunning everything else... every single thing, for the Lord... for His consuming fire to engulf my life. For my sole desire to be for Him... from Him and for Him. A full-blown, non-hesitant, no-hinderance lifestyle where Christ is everything & the only One.

So in the end, after all is said and done, I want my lifestyle to declare, "Christ is my craving. Christ is my desire, my longing, my want, my need, my must. He is my stability. He is my way, THE way. Christ is everything I see. He is my security, whom I boast in. Christ is really my everything."