Investigate Joy

I have the strong conviction that you can experience joy in the most bleak and undesired circumstance you're in.

Before I leave this earth, I want to experience it.

Being in a horrible situation yet having joy. Being unfazed.
What is it like? Just once, at least, I'd like to experience it.

I feel like I haven't excelled Joy 101... but still, this beckons me to investigate what real joy is.

His love overbears mine

Today I was looking at the little boy with autism I meet with each week.

It's been hard. EXTRA hard. Getting peed on, yelled at, pushed, table dropped on, picking up everything he dropped, giving foot rubs, trying to motivate him in order to do exercises... alas, it was hard and exhausting. It was annoying, depressing, hopeless, sad... Yesterday I simply cried all the way home and fell on my knees as soon as I made it to my room... Back to the little boy....

As I was looking at ____________ go after the dog in his backyard, just frolicking along; then the Lord said, "It's hard to love unconditionally isn't it?"

All I could do is shift my eyes wherever ______________ went and hear my heart beating.
Unconditional love.

Loving when I get yelled at and pushed.
REALLY loving when I'm trying to do what's best for him and he refuses me. Loving, even when I get [on purpose] peed on.
Genuinely loving when I have to follow ______________ each step of the way to keep him from hurting himself as he drops papers, throws his toy bin across the room, tips over heavy wooden chairs and the DVD rack... and (this might sound silly) as the DVDs fall, I must LOVE.

Then I realized.... how short I fall... of Him.
I realized how tiny I really am and how grand His love is.
I realized that God loves _______________ with all his shortcomings.
And I realized that God loves me with all my inexcusable shortcomings.

Even when I refused what He offered, He followed me to keep me from going under.
Even when I was having a ball ignoring what He was saying, He kept motivating me to "Come to Me all who are weary and heavy laden.... I will give you rest."


He saw me before I was ever made, and loved me...

Amazing.

I [don't] know

Lord, I know You can see farther than I can.
I know You know why this is happening.
But I don't.
And I know that it's best that way...
Right now I am not understanding.
I want to ask, "Help me understand please..."
Yet the thing that stops me from asking that is knowing that at least YOU understand.
Even when no one else understands what's going on, much less me, You do and that closes all my further questions.

Even with the uneasiness, You know.
I wonder how my faith is right now... being uneasy and all.
I read a saying this week, "Faith- is not believing that God can do it, but that God WILL do it."
Good refrain.
That battles with my heart though.
Or on the contrary, my heart battles with that.

Right now my heart says, "Why? How? What does this mean?" of my circumstances.
Are those the right questions to be asking?

I've always tried to live thankful, as Your Word says.
Maybe not being in the most desired circumstances, yet persevering just because... because You're still there. But does that mean not doing something? If right now I'm in an undesired circumstance, do I "go with the flow"? In other words, wait till You bring something else my way?

Honestly, I don't want to. I want to act. I want to do. I want to move.
Maybe I am moving and I'm not even noticing.

Lord, I know You can see farther than I can.

I know You know why this is happening.

But I don't.

And I know that it's best that way...

Right now I am not understanding.

I want to ask, "Help me understand please..."

Yet the thing that stops me from asking that is knowing that at least YOU understand.

Even when no one else understands what's going on, much less me, You do and that closes all my further questions.

My Teacher

I was listening to a sermon recently. The preacher was saying that there are a bunch of books on prayer... "How to pray fervently", "How to increase your prayer time", "Praying at all times."

Honestly, I own books like these. Trying to search for a better strategy to pray. "Maybe when I read this book, I'll definitely be praying more often."

Yet, the preacher said, there is only One teacher. The Holy Spirit is the One who can teach you how to pray. No book, no 5-steps-to-success pamphlet, no one can teach you how to pray better than the Holy Spirit.

"He is your teacher."


How easy has the Lord laid it out for us? Yet, I tend to complicate things... tangle them up;  only for Him, His grace and love to swoop down and untangle my mess one time and again.

The Simple Life

Today: the more you possess, the more worth you are.
Jesus says the contrary. He says that you're more blessed when you give away.

Right now I'm sitting in my room surrounded by bundles and random mounds of things that I don't know where to put. I have so many things that I have no space left to put them.

Since about a month ago, I realized that I loathed my crunched, no-budge space in my closet. SO full that I had to literally put my whole body weight in to push clothes apart in order to retrieve a shirt I wanted to wear for the day. More than 50 pairs of shoes... I was compared to Mariah Carey & her closet (NOT a compliment in my mind).

Those are glimpses of her closet. I was watching a video where they're actually walking through her closet... x-p

Ok, moving on.

So I started picking clothes and other material things that I hadn't used in a while. I took those and donated them. Now, I usually donate them to Goodwill but then my mom told me about this other place where they give out clothes for free to people who need them. I thought that was a great idea!! Not giving it to Goodwill so other people could buy it, but giving it to a place where people can get free clothes. And not even knowing it, I found out I was donating my clothes to a Christian ministry! :)

Yet, I still live in excess. Maybe it's my room that's too small... uuuh NO. Excuses.

As I was staring at everything all over my room, I said, "Ugh, I just want to possess less. Live a simple life. Less material things." I'm just so fed up with things.
The eye will never be satisfied and the flesh will never cease to want.

I find that the more you possess, the more attached you become to earth, and the farther you get from God's heart.

And please don't allow this post to be a standard for you in any way. The Lord deals with each and every one of us in different ways & He is dealing with me now about my heart.

HE is our standard.

HIS life was the simplest life that glorified the Father to the utmost.

Sigh

Yes, today is a new day.

It feels fresh, untouched until now.

I can breath easier & think much clearer.

Think back & learn from my mistakes... not regretting them, but learning & moving on.

Think forward & smile. Hold my head up high.

Don't fret because God has it all lined up. Just go... TRUST. FOLLOW & obey.

And everything'll be alright.

My Farewellcome

I feel... like change in my life is also creating sadness.

I've been so nostalgic these past few days just thinking about leaving my current job where I've been for about 2 years. Even though it's been hard there, I've also had the sweetest times with my kids... & even my coworkers. Thinking about it makes me want to cry!
...and I just shake my head while I stare at some wall becoming blurred with my tears because I never ever imagined I would feel this way. In a way, I thought I would be completely elated, with no sadness whatsoever, to leave there... but I was naive.
I used to say, "Welcome change!! I'm ready for it! Bring it on!" Oh man... I was on the mountain top when I said that. Change is good though, don't get me wrong. But sometimes it just simply hurts. Like it's inevitably coming, or already there, and you bid for it to go back where it came from because you don't want to let go of certain things or certain people.

My new job is fabulous and it is such a huge door being opened by my God... thank you Lord... yet I know He sees my sadness for moving on. I am excited for this new opportunity but looking back, at the 2 years at my other job... I have conclusively become attached to people... more than I expected, more than I ever wanted, more than I had planned. And thinking about it, I realize life has always been like that... and it will always be like that. Saying, "Farewell," to seasons of your life and saying, "Welcome," to the next.

You might compare me to the psalmist when in one chapter he was incredibly and excitingly jumping for joy praising the Lord and in the next chapter he was asking the Lord to come and save him, almost depressed... still, the psalmist always found his way back to the sovereignty of the Lord... & I find myself doing the same.

Praise Him

Praise the Lord!
I will thank the Lord with all my heart...
How amazing are the deeds of the Lord!
All who delight in Him should ponder them.
Everything He does reveals His glory and majesty.
His righteousness never fails.
He causes us to remember His wonderful works.
How gracious and merciful is our Lord!
...All He does is just and good,
and all his commandments are trustworthy.
They are forever true,
to be obeyed faithfully and with integrity.
He has paid a full ransom for His people.
He has guaranteed His covenant with them forever.
What a holy, awe-inspiring name He has!
Fear of the Lord is the foundation of true wisdom.
All who obey His commandments will grow in wisdom.
Praise Him forever!
Psalm 111


THAT seemed appropriate.
I am presently overflowing with thankfulness.

Remember my last post?

I got the job. :D

Such perfection within and throughout this short & swift process of this new job, it's nothing short of a miracle:
1. I didn't do any seeking; I was sought out (for the job)... even highly recommended twice.
2. Even with my hesitation and neglect of applying for the job, it came.
3. I told Him to do all the work because, to be honest, I was comfortable where I was at (the "comfortable" where I didn't want to bother to welcome changes).
4. I thought (& still do) that I wasn't ready or meant for a job like this, working with children with autism. (Never imagined myself...)
5. Hired on the spot with an interview that was so chill, it was simply a conversation.
6. I had absolutely zero nerves from the moment I picked up the phone to call the hiring manager, through the waiting process, up to the interview, and through the interview (that's definitely a praise).
7. This job correlates with my undergrad degree & it deals with helping children, and consequently their families.

I am thrilled.

I praise the Lord my God and thank Him for every piece of this that just swiftly fell into place.
And even when I think about it, soaking it all in, I must say, "I am so undeserving."

"Sheer love," is what is whispered back.

Thank you Jesus.

'Tis in the hands of God

Today is a big day.
Things for a certain job seem to have flowed together quickly... Something I didn't expect when I said to the Lord, "Lord, just do what you will with this because otherwise I'll stay where I'm at."
For some reason, I haven't been nervous about it. & I hope my nerves remain subdued on my way to the interview today.
I opened the Word this morning & read about FAITH (Romans 5)... "Thank You Lord that hope does not disappoint." I turned the radio on & heard "I will walk by faith..."

So today the Lord does not disappoint (He never does)... & I pray that my entire being hopes & believes in His right plan. No matter the outcome.

I go forth in faith.

In my weakness He is stronger

Yesterday was an incredibly blessed day.

From the moment I woke up, my eyes were burning & completely dry. I looked in the mirror and they were extra red and bloodshot. I was moving so slow and didn't even feel like speaking, I was so tired. While I did my hair I thought through the day, "Get everything for Pure Rebellion before I head to work. Oh! I need to put gas in my car before work. Man, I'm going to be late. One more day, just one more day of Spring break for the kids. It's 'crazy hair day' today! Well at least that's fun. Yes! Pizza & a movie with the kids... maybe I can take a nap during the movie. I should ask my supervisor if I can leave early... I could go home & nap before the evening. I'm going to miss prayer at church! It's going to be such a long day..."

And on and on my day went.

Later I realized I forgot a few things at home so my schedule was shifted from what I had planned... I wanted a swift day. But alas, the Lord works in mysterious ways.

Once I got through rush hour I got to church. Ready for the big night! Not really.
I was SO tired... the tiredness that makes you want to collapse, lay on the floor motionless and just let the tears seep out while your body aches.

After seeing my precious Pure Rebellion family and my [biological] sister (praise the Lord she came!), I needed some alone time with the Lord. "Where can I just be alone with You Lord?" The entire church was packed for the event... it seemed impossible. I went to the bathroom and locked myself in the largest stall wanting to curl up on the floor (which I didn't because that would be kind of icky). Instead I faced the wall just speaking to the Lord under my breath. No one was there. I cried and knew that tonight was His night. I walked out of the bathroom wiping my tears, yet I wanted more. More of Jesus. My thirst was still there. My body was weak. My soul was weary. The Lord said, "The prayer room."


Duh! I praised the Lord for that room because it's newly built. I hastened to the room and closed the door. Chairs in a circle, a map of the world majestically hung on the wall, corner tables with Bibles, and empty :) I knelt on the floor and spoke with my Father.
I sang a song to Him.

The event was already underway and I prayed for lost souls, for a redeeming work, for coworkers, friends, family, my weariness.

I stood, still weeping, and I just couldn't do anything else but raise my hands. The Spirit gave me His words to utter while I felt burning inside me and the tears fell.

"For the glory of Your name Lord!"

Afterwards, I sat down on a chair looking at the map of the world and the Lord told me, "That's Mine."
Everything is His. All of it. All of the lands, the people, the universe.

"For the earth will be filled with the knowledge of the glory of the Lord, as the waters cover the sea." Habakkuk 2:14 (NKJV)


I took His Word into my hands and shifted through the pages till I got to Psalms. "Give me a song for You Lord," I said. I sat on the carpet in a corner.

He led me to Psalms 42:8, which I've been clinging on for the past 3 weeks, "Each day the Lord pours His unfailing love upon me, and through each night I sing His songs, praying to God who gives me life." (NLT)

I went to verse one of chapter 42 and smiled. "As the deer pants for the water brooks, so pants my soul for You, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God... Why are you cast down O my soul? And why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God; For I shall yet praise Him, the help of my countenance and my God."


I sang a song to Him once more and praised His holy name.

The night breezed by. It was the most blessed, swift, un-burdensomed night I have ever experienced. In all of my weakness, my body felt renewed, my soul strengthened. I didn't even feel nervous being on stage. The sweet smell of redemption filled that place and surfaced to the Lord. The front was filled up when the altar call was made, so much so that the walkways were backed up. A sea of faces before the Lord! The young and the old gathered, kneeling, crying out, thirsty... for the living God. Voices raised singing out His praises and even with one voice shouting a war cry that made the enemy's knees give out.


"For He says: 'In an acceptable time I have heard you, and in the day of salvation I have helped you.' Behold, now is the accepted time; behold, now is the day of salvation." 2 Corinthians 6:2 (NKJV)

Non-fiction Narrative

"How much do You love me?"

"This much," He said as He opened His arms and died. "I love you so much that I came to where you live and felt the same way you have felt. I love you so much that instead of staying in My glorious throne, I was shattered for you. I felt what it was like to run as a young child through the fields, and even fall scraping My knee. I love you so much that I would rather be the Tribute for you than see you lost forever. I love you so much that each day I send my angels to guard your step. I love you so much that My Letter to you remains true throughout the ages. I love you so much that whatever you're going through I can say I went through much worse... for you. I love you so much that I am Love and I am in you. I love you so much that I know exactly what you need before you even fathom it and I show you the way. Even when you don't see Me, even when you don't hear Me, & even when You're distant... My love pursues you."

I stood enamored.

"How much do you love Me?"

Knowing He can see right through me, straight into my heart's crevices I said,

"Not enough."

I lowered my head not compelled to retreat my answer because He sees my desire.

"You know." my mouth uttered. "I open my mouth to lift up a song to You because melody is the way my heart honors You. I call out to Your name because my hope lies in You alone. I cry out for Your forgiveness because I remember You on the cross yet I shout for joy because You are alive! My heart implodes and explodes at the sight of Your creation and mighty works! Yet, with everything that I do I know that it will never be enough."

He lifted my head and said, "I am enough."

I raised my hands and offered up my life to Him, "This is all I have. Would You take it?"

____________________________________________________

"Hold firmly to the word of life; then, on the day of Christ's return, I wil be proud that I did not run the race in vain and that my work was not useless. But I will rejoice even if I lose my life, pouring it out like a liquid offering to God..." Philippians 2:16-17

Confrontation

My hands clam up.
My breathing becomes shallow.
My heart races.
My throat closes up.

I feel like I'm going to battle or something (with a load of fear)!

But it's only Confrontation.

I am terrified of confrontations.

But don't imagine me as a timid, weak girl that lets people have their way with her all the time. No, it's not that extreme. I am able to speak to maybe a coworker, or my boss, or my sister about something that needs changing... I'm ok with stuff like that.

But what makes me spaz are confrontations that are emotionally charged. I feel like running away. And even if the situation isn't an emotional one, if I'm emotionally charged with that person, I freak. Sometimes I can't even seem to control my tears from coming out... My mind says, "Stop it!" but my heart says, "I don't know how."

"Why?" I ask myself.
I could honestly list out so many reasons... but that would just take me to the past & what I really want to do is move forward.

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control." 2 Timothy 1:7 (AMP)

Touché.

My nervousness, anxiety & reaction to some sort of impending doom is nothing but my lack of trust and my dis-belief that the Lord has given me that spirit: of love, calm, a well-balanced mind, discipline & self-control... directly from Him!!

When I approach a confrontation, the Lord is with me.
He is with me.
With me!!


Now that I think about it... Jesus was all about confrontation. Oh man... the Lord just spoke to me again.
I shall return.

Crave

There are times when I really crave chocolate... chocolate with almonds... & lately, chocolate with almonds and sea salt (so good). There are other times when I crave apple cider... caramel apple cider. Other times I crave water, I'm thirsty.

What is a craving?
1. a powerful desire for something
2. begging for something

The word actually comes from the Old English word of to demand or claim as a right. As in, you must have it.

Well, I want my craving to be Jesus. I need my craving to be for Him only.

Dad led me to read 1 John 2:16 last night as he shared what the Lord has been revealing [something huge] to him recently that has completely shaken him up and pretty much redefined his lifestyle. It says...

For all that is in the world-- the lust of the flesh [craving for sensual gratification] and the lust of the eyes [greedy longings of the mind] and the pride of life [assurance in one's own resources or in the stability of earthly things]-- these do not come from the Father but are from the world [itself]. (AMP)

The New Living Translation says,

For the world offers only a craving for physical pleasure, a craving for everything we see, and pride in our achievements and possessions. These are not from the Father, but are from this world.


It's crazy to read this because we live in this type of world, where it's all about pleasure, sexual pleasure, visual pleasure, physical pleasure, making ourselves feel important, being more secure the more money you have, feeling complete when you have enough money in the bank but feeling destitute & empty when you don't... We are completely immersed in this lifestyle. Yet, the Lord's Word tells us that that's not from Him.

The Message [version] says,

Practically everything that goes on in the world- wanting your own way, wanting everything for yourself, wanting to appear important- has nothing to do with the Father. It just isolates you from Him.


WHAT? Isolation from God? MAY THAT EVER BE FAR FROM ME.

That just makes me want to sprint in the opposite direction... towards Christ!! Running for my life.

Recently, a friend and brother of mine taught on "A life on fire for God."
That pretty much sums it up. Shunning everything else... every single thing, for the Lord... for His consuming fire to engulf my life. For my sole desire to be for Him... from Him and for Him. A full-blown, non-hesitant, no-hinderance lifestyle where Christ is everything & the only One.

So in the end, after all is said and done, I want my lifestyle to declare, "Christ is my craving. Christ is my desire, my longing, my want, my need, my must. He is my stability. He is my way, THE way. Christ is everything I see. He is my security, whom I boast in. Christ is really my everything."

Jesus' Love

At thrift stores, I splurge on books. I feel like I find little treasures that no one else wants so I delight in my findings.

Yesterday I found a book that I had seen a long time ago at Barnes & Noble called Redeeming Love. What caught my attention when I first saw it was simply the beautiful red, old-fashioned dress that you'd wear in the 1800s on the front cover. The title had LOVE on it so I was totally considering it (and because it was stocked in the Christianity section). For some reason I didn't buy it... maybe because I was broke at the time ha ha. Or maybe because it's more of an adult read.

Well, I found it at Goodwill & totally bought it.

It might be odd to hear this, but one of my favorite books of the Bible is Hosea. I've heard people dog on that book because of how hard of a life Hosea had in obeying the Lord. It definitely is an extreme life, Hosea making a harlot his wife, but what sticks out to me is how Jesus chose the lowest of the low to make His own. He chose the most repulsive to approach when He walked this earth. And He chose to DIE and take the place of the most wretched. With His actions he said, "I love you." And with His actions He said, "What's Mine is yours and what's yours is Mine."

What does this have to do with the book you bought, you might be asking.

Well, Redeeming Love is a novel retelling Hosea's story so-to-speak. It's set in the 1850s. The protagonist is a girl who harbors hate within her & is a harlot. Her life was pain after pain, she was abandoned & she believed lies that she swallowed when she was just a child. She gave up on the Lord because of how bad her life was. Until Michael Hosea (hint hint), a man seeking to please the Lord, hears from the Lord that he is to marry her. Michael does everything in his power to pursue the girl and love her unconditionally until she stops running from him, & from the Lord.

I've been reading it & it has definitely been a heart-wrenching, sad & even repulsive story because of how the girl's childhood story unfolds. However, right now I'm in the part where Michael is introduced, he's sure he heard from the Lord already, but questions the Lord because of her identity.

Coincidently (or maybe not), skimming through blogs, I found a song by Misty Edwards that made me weep. Unveiling the Lord's love, it made me realize, with a poetic touch, how grand the love of Christ is.

You might think the following spontaneous song is pretty weird (I did at first) but listen to it all the way through. I listened to it while I was by myself & had to close my eyes to imagine the story.

"What's Mine is yours, and what's yours is Mine."

Grateful

Much has happened since I last wrote...
    Souls were saved (Pure Rebellion)
    The heavens rejoicing
    Friendships shaken yet restored & strengthened (I love you bonita)
    Forgiveness
    Tears, smiles, song, prayer, laughter, dance
    Preaching the Gospel
    Departing & reuniting with my family
    Being thankful
    Being exhausted
    Being sick..................................................

And through it all, the one thing the Lord has wanted me to learn is to be thankful.
He led me to read Psalm 50 last night & this morning. In it, He is stern, blunt, true, merciful, loving & guiding. He told me I should be thankful; and if in the midst of my gratitude I need His help, I can just call out to Him and He will rescue me. He wants honor... & oh how I desire with my life to honor Him. And so I shall.

"I don't mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me." Phil 3:12

Lead me gently home

What is the purpose of everything that happens to us in this life?
For the Lord's name to be glorified. Simple as that. (Yes, that really is, or should be, the goal of this life.)

Every single thing that we go through, if we are living our lives out in recurring attempts to please the Lord, leads us towards the ultimate place we'll be: HOME, in the heavens with our Beloved. (I won't apologize for sounding lovey-dovey... I'm in loooove with Jesus.)

This is the reason I decided to change the name (and URL) of my former Tangible Thoughts blog. Everything that happens in my life must lead to my home, being with my Savior in eternal bliss and satisfied longing. Therefore, with everything that I write, I will attempt to gear it towards the eternal perspective, hone it to an eternal mindset. To tell you the truth, I don't know how else I will be able to survive this life & I cannot fathom how some people even try to live without the hope of what awaits those who love the Lord.

So I pray to the Lord, "Lead me gently home."

The Paradoxical Christian

What if, in light of disastrous news, we would rejoice instead of mourn?

Hear me out for a few.

What if you receive a not-so-nice & unexpected news? What if you'd get glad instead?
What if you intentionally celebrated the bad news, because the Lord is still with you?

"What faith!" I'd respond.

Our immediate reaction to un-great news is to crash or to become sad, "I didn't expect this Lord." (And this coming from a very emotional girl who's pretty sensitive to any news.)

Last night mom came through the door with tears.
Work has been incredibly challenging for her & it even seems to me like bullying... yes within adults.
They gave mom her "permanent" schedule for a whole year & she will be closing on her every shift... which pretty much takes any time away from being with family (she'll be arriving home late) & even any chance of going to church. Supposedly, since she's new, everyone else had first pick on the hours they wanted and she got the leftovers... aka the worst hours that no one wanted.

My dad's reaction was like a lion 

...trying to protect his tribe &, while trying to reason through solutions for my mother's sadness & seeking justice, even resorting to the "Ooooh-if-I-would've-been-there," scenario.
Me? I was already planning on writing a letter to the manager or going in to try to speak to someone.

When emotions had subsided, we really began thinking in the spirit. Mom was the first one that resorted to prayer. Humbling.
Then dad remembered something that the family used to do in the past, when I was younger. He said that whenever we received bad news, we would intentionally go out & celebrate. We would go out to eat & enjoy the time. Oh how that blatantly thwarts the enemy's plans!! Then the Lord is glorified because He then reminds us that whatever comes our way went through His sifting fingers first. He remains with us.

So that's exactly what we did last night. We went out & celebrated, thanking the Lord.

"Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice!" Phil. 4:4

The Silence is Too Loud!

Oy.

There are some moments in my life where everything seems so...so... QUIET.
To the point where not enough is happening & all I can do is just go with it.
I don't really know how to put it into words but it's kind of like each day is passing by and it's just that: another day.
No I'm not depressed or sad... it's just like blah... if that makes any sense.

What do you do when you get here... to this blahness? (Yah this probably's going nowhere but let me splurge a little and try to map it out.) Is this a waiting season? I feel like I know where my life is going right now but I still don't necessarily feel the eagerness. Everything is going pretty well in my life at the moment... is that it? Everything's going too well? MAYBE, this "blahness" and slow, yet well, season is one in which I should just be thankful. I know that the Word calls us to be thankful at all times... but is that why things are so quiet right now? Ah only the Lord knows, I believe.

And there I go again :) returning to the Almighty. Because He knows all & He knows my heart.

I must praise Him because that's why I was made.
So yes, that's the end of this post. Because that's where all my questions & thoughts end up: with Him.

Discipling

This past weekend I was asked by a young lady if I could mentor her.
SO humbling.
I actually felt like I was being asked out. Ha ha, as weird as that sounds, I'm talking about the "shock" feeling that I got because someone would choose ME. You know what I mean?

I said YES.
Her mom is totally on board & her mom was the first one to have mentorship in mind.
So the support is so there!

But this post isn't about that; I wanted to write about, "How do you disciple?"
I've already been asking the Lord this question and kind-of-know where to start... but this is such a huge deal. I mean I know the big picture, but what about the small details?

My heart (which the Lord sees) is that this goes a long way (which is supposed to happen with discipling).
I know this is going to be a learning process for her and myself so prayer is the way I'll go!

The Lord is my light!

Under Construction

Little by little, with everyday that passes by & I get a chance to know my Lord more and more, I realize I have a long road ahead of me. I have a lot to learn & much to grow. And this isn't meant for discouragement. On the contrary, I am excited, eager to be taught, to be shaped as His vessel... to be hemmed, You hem me in, behind and before. Psalm 139:5a


It's so easy to become so concentrated in your life, your bubble. By doing that we forget about the grandness of life. We forget the greatness of eternity & how God's purpose is beyond this life. His purpose trespasses life and death, it goes past the concept of time.

The book of Colossians explains it better. Set your mind on things that are above, not on things that are on earth (3:2). In fact, as Christians, we are called to, seek the things that are above (3:1). Actively. On purpose. Willingly. With effort.

Why? For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God (3:3). Then he continues to say in verse 4, When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory. THAT'S my finish line: to be with Him in glory. That's when I won't be under construction any longer. Everything'll be perfect.

Christ is my life.

Even knowing that I have a long road ahead of me, I read this and praise Him:
For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.
How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
I awake and I am still with you.
Psalm 139: 13-18

Looking to Jesus

What does it mean to have self-control?

I've read about it, in & outside of the Bible.

I see it as a parallel to "discipline."

It would seem completely obvious and evident when you read, "Self Control."

You control yourself.

But how do we do that without the help of something greater? SomeONE greater I should say. Can we ourselves supersede areas in which we need control? No. Only God can. He is greater.

We are sinful beings full of desires and passion, full of carnal instincts & impulses.

What does it mean to have self-control? And by this I mean in all areas: spiritually, financially, sexually, behaviorally & emotionally, with your mouth, with your time, in your mind, with what you eat…

I was looking up this two-word phrase in the Word and found this:

"A man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls." Proverbs 25:28

It's complete chaos with everything running amuck. That's where my imagination took me. I imagined a huge city (much like those awesome ones in Lord of the Rings) but without the walls (very lame). So huge, yet futile because of how vulnerable it makes itself to its enemies. (This vulnerability that I speak of has NOTHING to do with the positive vulnerability that has to do with an open heart or welcoming others for the glory of the Lord.)

So the verse says that the city (us) is broken into and left without walls. This gives us the idea that the city did have walls. The fact of the matter is that from the inside, the city's walls were crumbled. Therefore, it's not that the city was seized from the outside. The enemies went in and took over it from within. Do you see what I'm saying? This reminds me of my heart, of our hearts. The Lord said in Matthew 15 how evil thoughts and actions come from within us, from our hearts; & from there it defiles us in totality. WE FALL SHORT. "Way short," is what I told myself this morning.

You might be asking yourself where this "self-control" jargon arose from. Well, I confess that my finances haven't been doing well lately. Rather, I haven't been a good steward of them. I'm disappointed and even feeling shame at this. "There are just too many expenses…" pshh, excuses (in my case).

Me, I LOVE doing numbers. I actually wanted to be an accountant earlier in my college career but decided I couldn't hone my career to only that so I switched. But I thoroughly enjoy calculating numbers and doing a budget. BUT put me in a store and I feel like I'm smack-dab in the middle of the Provers 25:28 city.

BUT IT'S ME! I'M the city!! So wait, I'm breaking into myself? How does that work? No, rather I'm allowing myself to be broken into (in the negative notion). I'm ALWAYS going to find something cute in a store. ALWAYS.

"So what?" says my spirit. "It's cute and?" I don't even need it! I just want it.

Let's get to the point:

" YOU WILL NOT SERVE ANY OTHER GOD." Man, that's convicting. (Exodus 20:3) The Everlasting God is a jealous God. He will not tolerate our worship to anything or anyone other than Him. That makes Him furious.

It's not like I'm falling on my knees before a cute t-shirt at the store. It's that I am letting the store get the best of me. I'm letting money get the best of me. That's what I've been convicted of. And rightfully so.

I have much to learn. I am starting from ground zero in this area. Ashamed. Repented.

Without all of me, even my finances, surrendered COMPLETELY to the Lord, I have no self-control. With one penny of my finances not rendered to the Lord, I have denied His complete control over it all. Likewise, with leaving one piece of myself (physically & spiritually) out of His control, I have denied all of me to Him.

Ah save me from this Lord! If there is any glimpse of me that I have not handed over to You, please reveal it to me as you have already done specifically with my finances. If there is a crevice in my heart where something is hidden that I am not aware of, Lord, I cry to You that You might open my eyes. Take any scales off my eyes to see the truth and to see the road before me!

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us

Hebrews 12:1

In Life or Death

It's 2012... but the Lord lives outside of time. He is not confined to it and He does not live by it. He controls it. The thought of that reminds me of His utter control yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

Last night was a blessed evening with people I love. Food, fun, laughs, catching up... I'm thankful.

For a bit I have been awaiting to read a book that I purchased for a few cents at Goodwill. It's called "My Utmost for His Highest: Updated Graduate Edition." When I saw it I remembered I had heard a ton of good things about it. It's by Oswald Chambers & I've definitely heard about him. It's a devotional for each day of the year. Each is a page and just skimming through it I was super eager to read it even before today! But I waited until January 1st to read the first entry. It talks about giving all of us to Him without reserves. One quote that stood out the most was, "I am determined to be absolutely & entirely for Him and Him alone." Just to give ourselves to Him with no reserves, no hinderances, no shyness, no shame. Each entry is also backed up with a passage from the Word.

Now that I've graduated college, I just want to have Him take control. My heart might have so many passions, desires, longings, faults, cracks, but I just know that without Him leading me I can't go on. In fact, I pray that the Lord burdens me with conviction of the need to have Him lead my every decision and my daily walk. I don't want to passively live this life but to actively engage His light within the world.

"...my earnest expectation and hope that in nothing I shall be ashamed, but with all boldness, as always, so now also Christ will be magnified in my body, whether by life or by death" Phil 1:20