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G'bye 2011. Hello opportunity.

Today is the last day of 2011.

Thinking back to the last 364 days, I am grateful for them.
For every low & every high.
Every tear & every laugh.
Why? Because of the mistakes I learned from & for the chances that I took.
I wouldn't change anything about it because the Lord has been with me all along & constantly teaching me, telling me to keep going, loving me, growing me & building me up. It's interesting because I wouldn't change even the "bad" moments in my life because through them the Lord has always come through and made His power more tangible.

What's to come in 2012 I have not a clue. Well, I have some idea of events to come but I would rather just place all my plans in the Lord's hands and allow Him to orchestrate.

I know a lot of opportunities will arise. We can look at the practical (i.e. jobs, making living-arragement choices) or at the spiritual (i.e. preaching the Gospel, love instead of get angry) and I want to seize those opportunities! I want to do what the Lord wants me to do.

He's given me life & I want to make each year count.
When I really think about it I want it to count for the Kingdom, for the eternal. Even my time on this earth is momentary, so I only have a "moment" to make a difference. I'll take it!

How exciting that we get to play a part in the King's song of salvation!
It's an honor.

So here's to seizing each day of 2012.

Preconceived Notions

How do you get rid of your preconceived notions about someone? In this case it would be someone who can be ruthless but has raised you up your entire life (aka my dad).
Does it mean that you haven't forgiven this person?
Or is it that your heart has built up walls for its safety? Does that make it a good thing?
Is having preconceived notions also known as being judgmental?

All these questions have been surging within my heart and mind.
One thing I know is that I have forgiven. I feel no bitterness toward dad. Just caution.
I love him. But I just now know who he is.
It's interesting because it has taken me this long to get to know him.
Before I really, really tried to understand him and comprehend why he got so angry (he's good at justifying his actions/arguments). But now I see that he has chosen to be that way. He said, "I'm not the problem. I'm not gonna change." Maybe I just didn't want to see the truth. And it's not like I've lost hope. No, not at all. I still pray for him and cry out to the Lord for daddy. But this has nothing to do with hereditary anger (G-pa) or with mom and I causing his outbursts. It's between the Lord and him. It's between the Lord and I. It's a one-on-one thing. Other people can be used by the Lord to work in your life but ultimately the decision is in your hands. You can open the door or you can shut it.

Through all of this hullabaloo the Lord has spoken to me one verse over and over again: Love your neighbor as yourself. The Lord has also had me read passages about being rooted in love. Love love love!
Thank the Lord for love. He is Love, and if it weren't for His sacrifice I wouldn't know what love is. All this to say that my dad is also my neighbor. So with that, I will love him as myself. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.

It's a command. A sweet command. Jesus loved us when we had not even an ounce of a reason to be loved.
Something supernatural.
Something possible.

Love your neighbor as yourself.

I will rise

"You hurt because you're alive." -Sam St. Cloud

This past weekend was one that shook me, broke me, and pushed me down.

Little by little the Lord has been picking me up in broken pieces and gloriously putting me back together in all His holiness. He has been healing my bruised heart to make it clean and unblemished. I just continuously ask my Father to examine me, my thoughts and heart, and to know me. Because without Him in my life I am in despair and would be utterly lost; in complete darkness. But He is my light and my salvation. He is the only Redeemer and the One who restores.

In all our trials in life, whether big or small, the Lord has told us He would be with us.
Nothing is too big for Him, and if it is for us He would never allow us to go through something we can't get out of. He always makes a way. Even if it seems that you just can't go on, He whispers "You can." And it's not because of anything we ourselves can do but it's because the Lord Almighty is with us. He comes and in all His splendor and gentleness breathes life into you as my best friend said to me last night. In your weakness He is made more evident. When there's less of us there's more of Him.

So set me aside Jesus as I willingly follow You. I plead for You to lead me Lord. For I long to see Your will be done. You make life worth it.

Honestly

I have never been assaulted the way my father assaults me.
I have never been bashed with words the way my father does it.
I have never been belittled the way my father belittles me.
I have never cried as many tears as I have because of my father.



I have never been loved the way my Father God loves me.
I have never been pursued the way my Father God pursues me.
I have never been told I am worth something like Jesus has.
I have never been picked up from the dirt so forgivingly and restoring-ly the way my Father has done.




Tonight, with tears running down my face and a churning heart I kept repeating, "I'm not what dad says I am. I'm not what dad says I am." Shaking my head, "NO", I just wished his puncturing words could just vanish. But we know it's not that easy. Dad's words cut deep way past my skin and bones tonight. My heart felt so suppressed and tiny I didn't know it could feel that deep. The words were so hurtful I just froze, paralyzed in shock. Becoming numb I only felt the tears tickling my cheek as they slipped out of my eyes.

With all this I started thinking upon Jesus and what HE went through when He was harassed, spit on, crucified... by His own creation. AND HE'S GOD. I am just baffled. I cannot imagine the pain He went through. And even though what I felt tonight was incredibly hurtful, I know it doesn't even come close, not even in the slightest distance closer, to what Jesus felt when He was betrayed, when the nails punctured His skin and bones and when the weight of everyone's sin was upon Him. EVERYONE'S... even those to come. And God to go through that? God who could have well remained on His glorious throne. He's amazing.

At the thought of all this I was humbled and refreshed. Jesus holds me. Jesus loves me. Jesus tells me who I am.

Jesus.

God is love and I want to be rooted in love. Oh how the enemy tried coercing me into his twisted plans. But I am not his to fool around with. Only Jesus can use me because I am His vessel and His vessel alone. I will remain His vessel until my last breath and even then I will confess that Jesus is Lord.

I conclude

My decision for my last post is to not apply for that job.
I will apply for a second job.

That way I won't miss my kiddos :)

That is all.

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you. Psalm 32:8

Career & Passion

So just for the heck of it I started searching for jobs today.

I found a pretty nifty full-time one... for a Christian ministry in town that's actually all over the world.
It's being the administrative assistant for the director of the office of the president of the ministry. Whoa.
It has so many duties that seem challenging but exciting; a lot, but worth it.
The mission of this Christian ministry is "introducing adolescents to Jesus Christ and helping them grow in their faith."

Sounds great!
But I'm hesitant to apply to it because:
1. the duties sound like I'm not fit for the job
2. the job doesn't exactly line up with my "psychology" degree (even though their requirements say "high school diploma; bachelors degree preferred")
3. it even looks like a dead-end job where there's no way to move up because you're just the "secretary"
4. I have already applied to this ministry before and never received feedback from the last try

"Should I apply for it?"
The ministry looks so well-founded! I read their statement of faith too. They are up-front with their purpose [which is so thrilling].

But then I start to think, "What if later on I change my mind and I don't want to go to school for social work anymore?" (My alternative would be that I would want to get my masters in something else... like business in this case.) THEN, I would definitely have to take the GRE right? That would take months to study so then I wouldn't start my masters next winter like I had planned...

This clearly beckons me to question what I have passion for. This question has been on my mind ALL day. The only thing I can answer is, "Jesus and His Word." I mean, I really like doing a lot of things but when I think of "career" and "passion" I think of: "Passion and career would sum up to be... me being at work but not feeling like I'm working because of the love I have for what I do." Yes that sounds way over the top like some plateaued peak of bliss. At 22 I should have passion for many things right? I should know... right?

Lord, search my heart and know my thoughts!

Reserved

I can't help but write about this because just now the Lord has made me stop and think about what's been going on.

Lately there have been various encounters with guys. From giving me cookies and slushies with their name and number on it to having creepy guys trying to get my number, having a guy bluntly say "You're beautiful," having another practical stranger act like we've been friends forever and sending me messages, & seeing and talking with an old friend who has in the past admitted liking me who is now noticeably trying to grow closer to me but is so far from the Lord.

But I was thinking upon all of this. It seems like a lot. To me it does. One season everything is so quiet and as soon as I'm about to graduate college, things start shakin' up a bit. Here's a note: a while ago I prayed to the Lord to please not allow any romantic relationships in my life until I finished my bachelors degree. I now have my degree. With this I am not saying that all these guys are coming from the Lord. That much is clear to me. In fact, I start wondering where they are coming from.

I don't want to seem overly assertive but these all seem like tests. This might sound out-of-the-ordinary and unsettling but I even think that the enemy is constantly probing all these men in my life. Right when my life is shifting and even as I am assured that the Lord is going to move mightily... these happen. I just don't see any other way of translating this. None, absolutely none of these men have evidenced a fruitful life with Christ. With this I am meaning to say that none of them are for Jesus. None of them are in Jesus. And maybe I'm being too forward in deducing this when I haven't given any leeway to get to know these guys (neither do I plan to) except the old friend who I already know who [the Lord revealed to me today] is definitely in desperate need for Him; but the way they approach a girl (me) is evidence enough of their "quick" intentions. Not from the Lord whatsoever. The main reason why I think this is because of the amount of distraction that's coming from all directions. They seem like so many that it's unorganized excess and not characteristic of the Lord.

And inevitably this makes me think of my future husband. The thought of the Lord's master plan, even in my romantic life, gives me peace. (And let me take this moment to remind myself that the Lord's master plan in my life, even my romantic life, is to bring HIM glory. May it bring YOU glory Jesus. I am only a vessel.)

Some guys don't respect the ring on your left-hand ring finger. These guys sometimes could care less. And that is something that I am alert of. Not being married, I have certainly told many guys what my ring is for, yet they still seem unhindered in their pursuit... an impure pursuit.

Back to the thought of my future husband. I just sometimes feel like he's thinking about me (however cheesy that may sound) and even praying for me. In the latter "guy episode moments" the Lord quickly places His holy fear in my heart and I am reminded of the holy life He has called me to live, even as I wait for my husband. I myself am learning from these awkward, sudden and interrupting instances of guys trying to "hook up." I have to admit that I have never received so many names and numbers and messages from guys until this season in my life. It's flattering at first but again, at the thought of my husband, I already feel "reserved." :)

Jesus guide me in truth and purity.


Create in me a pure heart, O God,
And renew a steadfast spirit within me
Psalm 51:10

And we commence :)

I graduated college!!!!

Ah it is a major relief to be here right now. (Although I still am waiting for 2 of my 5 final grades!)

But praise the Lord for bringing me this far!

I didn't profusely cry which is great because that would have messed up my makeup real bad ;)
Ha ha but I really tried to just take it all in with joy, even though I sure did get teary-eyed ;) mainly at the unbelievable-ness of it all. It kind of even seemed weird. But a good weird ha ha!
My mama, papa, sis and two of my very best friends and sisters were there with me! It was a complete moment :)

Jesus has just supplied everything.
And He didn't have to; not at all...
He picked me up and has shown me the way until now.
And He will guide me from this point on too.
No doubt He will. My God is a faithful God.

Right now I am just thankful thankful thankful.


Thank You Jesus for being ever present in my life. My life is still Yours... that much hasn't changed :)

Almost there

Well tomorrow is my last final before I'm done with four and a half years of college.

HUGE milestone and little by little I've tried to start taking it in.

"It's bittersweet," I told mom today.

Thinking back to how many classes I've been in it feels so distant yet so relieving, but at the same time I'm like, "How did I even make it this far?" And I can't help but recognize the Lord's hand in my life. I can't help but thank the Lord.

Today He told me everything's going to be ok. He told me that I have nothing to worry about. And to hear these tender words in a season of change, I know He's placed hope and peace in my frantic heart. I surrendered... once again. That's the formula: you have to surrender once and again. Surrender each day. Then He'll go from there and He'll take you with Him :)

It is in these huge, yet minute in His eyes, changes of life that I realize how grand the Lord is. I realize that His plans far exceed mine and I realize how perfect He is and so full of love that He would choose me and call me by name. Even before the foundations of the earth... He chose me. And for no other reason I want to live if it's not for Jesus. May this be my heart's cry now, when I get married, when I'm with my family, when I turn 50, when I go through trials, when I rejoice and till my last breath.

"For me, to live is Christ and to die is gain" Phil 1:21

May this be my life's way, my life's purpose.

My Scope

The scope of my life through my own eyes is so minute, so finite.

I've been thinking a lot lately about my life (now that I'm so close to graduating) and no joke I'm feeling like I want more. Crazy huh? About to graduate with my bachelors and I want more.

In a way it's a little disappointing that school's ending, although it is a relief. But then I start thinking about life in its totality; not just in the now but in the later and the then. I've been in school since pre-k and became so used to that routine, to the go-to-class routine and even the peer pressure routine that now that my school days are slowing down and pretty much coming to an end (for now), I'm starting to realize that there's more to be lived. Don't get me wrong, I kind of knew that (i.e. the Bible says to set your mind on the things above), but now that my life is taking a turn, all I want to do is hold on... to my Savior.

There's a sense of emptiness in my heart, maybe because school's ending, maybe because now I realize this is for real, or maybe because I am once again reminded that this life is like a vapor as my best friend has reminded me... but I pray that God and only He be the One that fills whatever space is left within it. Maybe it's simply that I've been holding on to some things here on earth.

It's interesting because I think that God has placed some sort of void within my heart during this time because it is dire time to seek Him.

My scope is insufficient and leads me to focus on the now and doesn't reach any greatness.
But the Lord's scope is greater. The Lord's scope is bigger and better. The Lord's scope is infinite and filled with hope. The Lord's scope goes far beyond what any human mind can fathom. The Lord's scope makes me sigh as I release all my fears into His hands. The Lord's scope melts my heart and swells tears into my eyes. The Lord's scope shows me that I am His and He is mine. The Lord's scope demonstrates that my fullness is in Him. The Lord's scope tells me, "There is more. Seek me and you will find me when you seek me with all of your heart."

He's told me He has great plans for me. Plans that exceed my plans.

I respond, "Just have Your way Jesus. Now and forevermore."

Time will tell

"Surprise!!!!" Can you imagine the Lord saying that?
The thought brings a smile to my face. :)

I was taking mom out to one of the best breakfast burrito joints in town this morning when she received a call from an unknown number. She picked up.


She got the job.


For six years she had been waiting for a specific job to call her back... and she finally got it.

In those six years, tears were shed, she continually asked the Lord, "When Lord?", she wondered why, she thanked the Lord, she waited, she prayed...and prayed....AND prayed. For six years.

Some would say, "Uuuuh move on."

But the longer you wait, the sweeter the taste in the end.

She really, in her heart, wanted that job. No doubt, throughout the years, she applied to I-don't-know-how-many jobs. But not a single job called her back. Not a single job.


When she got the call today she deeply expressed her thanks to the lady on the other end of the line. She teared up. Raised her hands. She couldn't stop saying, "Praise the Lord!" in amazement and shock of the sweet providence. In between her praises she would apologize since she was repeating herself. I said, "NO! Don't apologize. Yes, PRAISE the Lord! Repeat it!" I knew her heart was overflowing with gratitude :)


It's interesting because just last night she was watching one of her favorite movies, "Joseph King of Dreams." This guy, this servant of the Lord, waited for years before he once again saw his brothers who sold him into slavery. His own brothers. Not knowing why, Joseph acknowledged the Lord in His ways. He even went to jail before he saw them. Yet, later, in the end, he was put second in command of all of Egypt. Radical. The Lord knew exactly what He was doing.

What a relief isn't it? That the Lord who holds my life is sure of everything He does. He doesn't hesitate, doesn't think twice, doesn't stutter. He is. He knows. He does.

There's change a-comin'

One morning I woke up, saw the sunlight, took a deep breath and thought, "There's change a-comin'..."

Well I didn't say it exactly like that. BUT I just felt an eagerness inside of me that translated into an excitement about change approaching.

It's interesting to hear how people love change but others abhor it. Yes, it can be scary. Even at times I don't want change. But this change I'm talking about is pretty exciting.

Almost graduating college I get super pumped of what comes next. It's like I'm realizing that I'm officially an adult. Ha ha... I thought that happened when I got my license ;) Still, new opportunities arise and the unknown is staring you in the face. But as Athlete sings in The Unknown, "I see you smiling at the unknown."

I want that to be me!!
TRUSTING in the Lord's guiding. Sold out for His purpose!! Breathing every breath for His praise!!
Smiling at what's coming because He's with me :)

I watched Tangled and Despereaux within 24 hours. Double dose of anti-fear. Both movies have an anti-fear message. Inspiring! Now add to that a hint of Secretariat and 2 Timothy 1:7 and you're ready to run the longest race of your life.

All that to say that I need not be afraid of anything.
In this new season I will bring praise.
In this new season I will take risks.
In this new season I will live.
In this new season I will be a vessel that is only of use when the Lord takes me into His hands.

A new season = Change = I'm ready.

We Meet Again

Hello again :)

The latter smile definitely does not reflect how I feel right now. No, don't feel bad. (If you didn't feel bad in the first place that's ok too ha ha.) Just being honest.

So I knew this week was going to be hectic... times ten.

I've been repeating to myself, "I'm almost there!", "I. Am. Victorious. Jesus makes me victorious.", while I make random sounds to de-stress myself and sporadically laugh or chuckle at the unbelievable-ness of it all during this last semester of school. "Will it ever end?"

YES. It will.

Even now while I write I have an essay tapping the back of my brain, "Hellooo. You still haven't written it. Get on it. It's for tomorrow. 3-5 pages remember? Chop chop."

Oh zip it.

The best thing to do sometimes is to STOP.
When everything's crazy overwhelming and deep breaths aren't enough to relieve you, just STOP.
On purpose; intentionally.
Take a minute and praise the Lord.


Jesus controls it all. He holds my life and keeps it from falling into pieces. He sees and knows me. He looks into my heart and knows exactly what's in it. What needs fixing and what He's pleased with. He, right at this moment, IS GOD.

Do you know what that means??
He makes the sun rise and fall. He keeps the mountains from crumbling. He keeps the oceans from flooding the lands. He holds the universe together. He is GOD.

HE IS GREATNESS.

Jesus' death on the cross was one single sacrifice that changed eternity forever. One single sacrifice that will last forever. FOREVER.

Oh Jesus, even now my heart shrinks at your greatness yet swells at the notion of my need to praise you.

Give me holy fear.
More of You and less of me.
More of You.

Why do you do it?

Right now a question surged in my mind, "Why do you do it?"

"Why do you follow Jesus?"

"So people can see you?"

"So you can say you're the holiest?"


Not knowing where this question came from, I'm glad you (whoever) asked.



I follow Him because He is worthy of my life laid down before Him. He's worthy of more, but my life is everything I can give Him so I'll give it to Him gladly.

I follow Him because I want to. I want my life to be His and for Him to be my leader and my reason.

I follow Him because I want to know Him more. I need to know Him more.

I follow Him because I thirst for everything He is. I need Him.

I follow Him because I find joy in praising His name.

I follow Him because He is the only true God and He has made Himself known to me (and the rest of us).

I follow Him because He quickened my heart. He drew me to Him and I am eternally grateful for His hand upon my life.

I follow Him because He said, "I love you," before I ever set eyes on Him.

I follow Him because I love him.

I LOVE HIM.

He has saved my perishing soul and words nor tears nor mighty act I could ever do could ever be enough to thank Him.

All I can do is say, "Take me."
All I can do is surrender.
All I can do is bow down before His holy and mighty name.

Jesus.
Jesus.
Jesus.

My heart cries out for You and You alone.

Be Thankful & Watch Your Mouth

Point 1: Today is a day of being thankful. So I will. If I repeat myself, oh well.

Thank you for my life, my mom and dad, my sister and her husband, because I can see, because I can sing, because I have food to eat, because You have us a house to live in, because You are with me, because You love me, because I'm in college, because You gave me a scholarship, for Annie & the Gatlins, for Echo, for Erik, for Lindsay, for Kelsie, for Frankie, for Jessica, for everything I've been through because You've carried me here, for hearing my cries, for the kiddos at work because I love them, for all my coworker [Lord show me how to love like You loved and speak of You, Jesus, more than anything else], for Norma, for Lisa and her family, for Morgan & Reagan, for Consuelo, for Kimmi, thank you for having stepped down from your throne to become human and die a horrible death [praise Your name You are risen!] thank you for the job you've given me, for this car, for the ability to take my parents out to eat, for being able to give them a hug and a good night kiss, for the clothing that you've given me, for Your mighty Word that lights my path...

Point 2: Watch what you say because you can never take it back once it leaves your mouth.
I want to speak more of Jesus to my coworkers. I want to talk about "me" less to my coworker and talk about Him and how He is everything to me and how He is all I live for. He is the only way, the only truth, and the only life. When I try to be outstanding (literally) I should think what I should say... I just think that being reserved includes learning how to be self-controlled. You choose your words wisely and if you're unsure, you wait to way anything. Still, I want to be wise in speaking when it's time to speak and hush when it's time to say nothing. So Lord, help me today as I go to work and school to be set apart for You. You put me on this earth for a reason so I know I am not supposed to be secluded from people at work [or school], keep me there to show YOU. But I am nothing without You so please help me be more like You.

Love,
Katy

my Warrior King

Recently the Lord has put the phrase "Warrior King" in my mind to describe Him.
He IS a Warrior King, the Commander of armies!

Every time I prayed, this phrase, this description of my King came up. A characteristic that I seemed to have forgotten, so I was grateful to have been reminded.

I was led to read and reread Psalm 144 that begins: "Praise the Lord, my Rock, who trains me for war, who trains me for battle," which reminded me of an attitude that I should have. Other versions say, "Praise the Lord, my Rock, who trains my hands for war, my fingers for battle," and I know that the psalmist knew a bit about what war was like for him to be as specific as "hands" and "fingers." He knew how much his hands and fingers were of good use when in battle. This gave me a new perspective on what the life of a Christian looks like, not boring, not just merely "waiting" for the Lord's direction but trusting the Lord and having faith that God is with me already. He has sent me out.

Recently we just had Pure Rebellion and the Lord reminded me of how our battle is spiritual and how He is the one leading us forth.

He also led me to start reading Joshua. God tells him, "Hey, I am putting you in charge of leading my people to the promise land. Moses is dead and I'm assigning you to take the lead. Be strong, be brave, don't fear because I am with you." Man, talk about being put on the spot. But Joshua goes for it! Because God is with him. So I am in the seventh chapter now and somebody (i.e. Achan) is about to do what the Lord said not to do.

But the purpose of my post: My identity is in Christ, my Warrior King.

NOT what I expected

So lately I've found it so soothing to write (or in this case type) things up.

Today I was super bummed when I saw a test grade that I got for an exam that I totally studied and re-studied for. I felt sad, frustrated, and discouraged.

Yes I know! "It's only a test."

But I guess I was expecting more... way deep down inside ha... cuz I was totally believing that I was going to get a bad grade. Which I didn't... I just thought I'd get better.

But the only thing I can do is move on right?

People in class def did NOT want to move on today ha ha. They were actually arguing with the prof to make it look like HER test were in the wrong... when more than half the class didn't keep up with the readings... I digress.

So the lesson? Move along :)

Fortunately Unfortunate

Today my dad had a lot of unfortunate things happen to him.

Couldn't get work done at work when he has deadlines because even if he doesn't like it he's a people magnet and everyone comes into his office to talk to him... (not so sure that's unfortunate).

Was trying to be nice to his superior and received an "F you" in return.

Has exercise in the morn and realized he packed all his exercise gear away to get shipped out.

Drove all the way to work (mom, I and the pups went along with him) to see if he had some gear stashed away in his locker and was tempted to steal. He even thought up what he would say to us (to make it seem it was his and he found it).

Yet, he didn't steal.
He didn't lie.
You wanna know what he did?

He laughed.
In fact, right now, him and my mom are singing. They're singing to the Lord... I can hear it all the way up to my room.

My dad once asked me, "Katherine, what's the difference between a bad day and a good day?"
I said, "Your attitude."

He's with me

I'm caught up on my school work! Well, more than before :) It feels so good :)

I have decided to do my best; to sprint all the way to the end.
Have you ever tried that? Sprinting all the way to the end?

I just ran a 5k last Saturday and threw up after I crossed the finish line, because I pushed myself too hard when I shouldn't have.
Even though, I felt great once I finished the race. :)

I'm going to graduate in about 10 weeks. I'm ecstatic!

I know a new season is approaching and I'm just praying that the Lord draws me ever nearer to Him! There are so many things that this world offers, so many options to choose from, that we sometimes forget that God is all we need.

I'm excited about what's to come, & I'm most reassured when Jesus reminds me He's with me.

Why?

Have you ever taken the time to write a list of "Why?" you wanted to do something? Like when you're about to make a big decision...
Sometimes we find that our reason is "Just because." You can't think of any more reasons. And when in some cases that might be super cute (i.e. getting married), there are times when "Just because" doesn't cut it. And I am in such a setting where I can list out many reasons of "Why?"
Not to divulge, the Lord knows my innermost feelings and desires. My closest friends know why too.
But I feel that if I don't write these reasons "why" down, I might be convinced otherwise.

Yeah this all might sound confusing but I know what I speak of... and the fact that God knows gives me peace. He knows. If He knows, that's enough.

Oh and P.S. He knows EVERYTHING :)

Risks? No, thank you.

Why am I so indecisive?
I find that I take too long to choose something. Even in the small things, so imagine the decisions that really matter in the long run.

Does that indicate my lack of risk taking? Yes.
Does that point out my bleak future? Not necessarily.
Do I need to change? Yes. Definitely.

I find that I want to blame my circumstances for the person that I am but that would be irresponsible of me. I just want to put the fault on my upbringing but it's not so.

Group1Crew's song says it for me, "The future's what we make it so let's go..."

Yes it's true. We have the ability to dictate our future. It is true that the Lord has predestined us and has everything planned out already. But there's the decision factor He freely let us have.

So with that, we can conclude that we are who we are because we allowed ourselves to become who we are. This doesn't mean that who we are is who we're supposed to be; that who we are now is the end and that's it. No, the Lord has bigger and better plans for me.

He has told me to wait on Him but do.
He has told me to seek His pleasure but take risks.

Without risks, life is a blank sheet of paper. It's boring.
Without risks, we never grow.
Without risks, we don't see miracles.
Without risks, I wouldn't have come to know Him.
And without risks, I wouldn't be where I am today... wanting more.

Cheers to risk takers.

When to know...

It is such a huge turn-off when "the guy" doesn't live for Jesus; when he's not completely sold-out, crazy in love with Jesus.

Just saying'.

If that's the case, then it's a big "NO."

Emotion and Prayer and Faith

Apparently I've fused emotion with the spiritual; emotion with prayer.

I grew up with the precept that when you feel the Lord's presence you cry. It is genuinely Him you are encountering when you are moved to tears.

Now, let's not misunderstand: one can be moved by the Lord's greatness when you're in His presence and tears start flowing. But these 2 don't always go hand in hand.

I grew up with the concept that if others were crying in the Lord's presence and you weren't, you were missing out on something BIG.

Even now, I still weep at the thought of Christ dying for my sins. I still weep at the truth that God wants to meet with me even though I have lived against Him. I still weep at the fact that He is so gracious to offer me His love and everyone else on this earth so much so that He is patiently waiting to come back for the sake of others' to hear His name.

However, this emotional speed bump has hindered my prayer life.
I have backed down from consistent one-on-one prayers with my King, resulting from "not feeling anything." You don't have to remind me that, "it's not about feeling," because that's something else inculcated in me during my childhood.

The thing is that I want to pray fervently, with passion.

I grew up with the screaming, ear-drum-poppin', pentecostal heat that forced you to fall back when the guy practically pushed your forehead back.

I have considered my "powerful prayers" as the ones in which I weep and am reenergized. If there's no weeping or no "feeling," then it wasn't strong enough; or my best effort even.

So I spoke with my earthly mentor and best friend, my mother. She said, "Prayer is all about faith." She lit my cracked lightbulb. Something in me just connected when she said that and I understood.

What I told her was that I feel like I was more "holy" or more into God in my younger years than now. I told her that I don't know what to pray for anymore. "I know the attributes of God and what He's capable of... but then again, if I really did know Him, I would want to be with Him every second of everyday."
Yes, I know a lot of things but knowledge isn't enough.

"Just praise Him," mom said. "Just tell Him what He means to you and confess His greatness."

"Even if I don't feel anything?" I said.

"Yes. Prayer is all about faith."

Hope

What happens when someone who you admired has become the person you least want to become?

A person once told me that the Lord allows us to see all the things that hurt us and aren't good for us, all the bad things so we could see what NOT to do.
That same person's advice has actually made me apply it on them...

It's interesting how things in life take a turn.
You hope for the best but it doesn't come out.

Does that give us reason to stop hoping?
Not at all :)

Hope is was kept Corrie Ten Boom alive as well as Dietrich Bonhoeffer during the Holocaust.
Hope helped Gladys Aylward take 100+ children on foot across Chinese mountains in the middle of a war.

Hope keeps me runnin'.

Hope from Jesus.

Betty Scott Stam

1934

Betty was a missionary in China along with her husband John Stam. They were arrested by the Communist soldiers along with their 3-month year old daughter Helen. Their ransom was $12,000. John wrote a letter to the mission authorities. It included, Philippians 1:20, "May Christ be glorified whether by life or death."

They walked 12 miles to Miaosheo to be executed. Betty was able to hide Helen inside a room where the soldiers were letting her tend to the baby. John and Betty arrived to Miaosheo. A Chinese shopkeeper stepped in to try to convince the soldiers to not kill the Stams. They invaded his shop and found a Bible and a hymnbook.

Betty watched her husband be beheaded. Her and the shopkeeper were beheaded moments later.
Helen was found by a Chinese pastor 2 days later. He and his wife took her to her maternal grandparents who were also missionaries in China.

Betty's prayer is my prayer:

"Lord, I give up all my plans and purposes,
all my own desires and hopes,
and accept Thy will for my life.
I give myself, my life, my all
utterly to Thee to be Thine forever.
Fill me and seal me
with They Holy Spirit.
Use me as Thou wilt,
work out Thy whole will
in my life at any cost,
now and forever."

Afraid? Pshhh

Today, God told me not to be afraid.

Simple. But huge.

Hard? Not for Him, and He's the one that strengthens me.



Then please help me Lord.

Love, Katy

Arms Open Wide

Many might think the following is creepy but it's just reality. Reality put into words.
People might even be surprised by this... "Whaaat? You shouldn't be feeling like this!!"
This is what came out after a night of fear and a morning of anger involving myself and a couple of people really close to me. Vague, but with a perfect solution.

Just Bad Anger vs. Surrender.

Anger doesn’t let God drive.

But it’s not because God’s not strong enough.

It’s because you shoved God aside to make anger your chauffeur.

You told God No, and as a gentleman He respected you. Move over.

When you’re angry, you don’t really care how everybody else feels.

It’s just like gangrene, it spreads.

Not only affecting you but everyone who you come in contact with.

Hurting someone else? “Oh well.”

It’s like you’re the only one existing and everyone else is dispensable.

It’s not hard to let go of.

The thing is that you like being angry because there’s power in your hands.

Power that makes others fear you.

And with that, who needs anyone else?

But surrender, yes humbling but sweet.

Frowned upon by society because it makes you look weak.

Yet it takes all that’s in you to do it.

It opens your eyes, opens your heart.

Makes you vulnerable.

Still, surrender makes you stronger.

It breaks you down to build you back up.

More fortified than you ever were

You shine power that few in this world have.

Yes, God is All-powerful

But He’s given you what's called Choice.

He can come and swallow up all

That’s festering up inside.

But He won’t move until you ask Him to.

Home

Recently, my dad came back from a training that lasted about 3 weeks. It was originally supposed to last a month but they were coming early.

Mom and I had missed dad more than ever before. For some reason it happened this way this time. The most interesting thing was that this instance was the shortest period ever that my dad had to be gone.

Everyday we found it grueling to not have dad home. One week had passed and it seemed like months. We just didn't understand why it felt so long for him to come back.

I was at church serving. Then mom calls me and I scurry out to pick it up. She was going to go pick dad up.

How I wanted to leave to head home! We had about 20 minutes left though.

Service ended and I hurried to head home. It felt like forever. Just at the thought of seeing dad again tears began to well up in my eyes. I tried to save them though ;)

Getting home I was exiting my car murmuring to myself, "Whew, ok. Breathe. Don't cry. Aaaah, I'm so excited....."

I walked up to the door and passing the window I see him. Dad. Way thinner than he was when he left. But just at the sight of his face my heart just melted. Made way for the tears. I saw him smile through the window because he saw me peeking in before I even opened the door.

Trying to unlock the doors (screen door and main door), I couldn't believe how slow my keys went in. "Ooooh my gosh," I said. "Can these go any slower?!" I saw him and felt like a baby. Practically threw my bag on the floor in the middle of the entrance... I didn't care where or how it landed at the moment. Then I said, "Daddy!" with tears going down my cheeks while I clapped like a 5-year old. I hastly walked up to him, almost running, all the while looking to realize that he was actually there, and went in for the hug.

He also had tears in his eyes so it was mutual :)


Well, something that I purposely failed to mention was that on the way home, the Spirit reminded me of Jesus' coming. To be as eager for His coming as I was for my earthly dad's. That everyday I might yearn for Him to come back so that I can be with Him, as I longed to be with dad. That 3 weeks away from my dad seemed so grueling but 21 years waiting for Him awakens in me a fire for His return.

His voice on the way home made me weep. It was a sweet reminder that His coming is as close and as real as my dad coming home that night. That I will see Jesus and I will be with Him and that I will be full of joy to the point of clapping and jumping and that all I'll want to do is be with Him.

"Behold, I am coming soon! My reward is with me, and I will give everyone according to what he has done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End." Rev 22:12-13

Think think think

For some reason, I have suddenly become concerned for my future.
Is it lack of trust in the Lord?
Is it that I myself don't even know what I want to do?
Maybe it's because of all the graduations happening.

I planned on graduating this year, so maybe that's why I've realized how close I am to graduating (I still have 1 more year to graduate because I picked up another major).

Questions:
What do I really want to be?
Where is it that I'll be most effective?
Would I really love working with families?
Should I intern here or there? For how long?

I'm just trying to get to know myself a little better. It seems like I don't. Weirdly enough.
Like I'm trying to figure out where I'll want to be in a year... or even more, where the Lord'll want me.
Trying to figure out ministry as well: serving with Jr. Highers or serving with another population.
I'm just not sure!!!
Is that ok to say?
I'm not sure.
All I know is that God is still God.
He is still on His throne and I want Him to have control of my life, of my uncertainties, of me.
But I want to trust.
Sometimes we have such a hard time trusting others. The thing is that this Somebody isn't just a somebody.
I believe that the more we get to know Him the more we learn to trust Him.
The more we learn of who He is, the more we realize that trusting Him is all we can do.
We'll begin to say, "Why not trust Him? There's no other way."

Exceeded Expectations

The largest faith you have to have to move a mountain is the size of a seed... a mustard seed to be exact.

Last weekend close friends, brothers, sisters and myself traveled to the southern land of Texas. We were on a mission of showing Christ to others. Making Him known through the ministry of Pure Rebellion.
Lives were ministered to, hearts broken and rebuilt, souls rescued, Jesus glorified.

It was hard for me to realize that we were actually going to TX with this ministry and that the Lord had allowed me to be part of it. So many times I said, "I can't believe we're in Texas..." It was just mindblowing being there. But mindblowing describes what the Lord did both nights.

We were pumped to launch Pure Rebellion at Grace Church. The crowd didn't blow us away though. No, it wasn't a full house. Expectations drained, we just prayed that Jesus would still work on those who came. And He did. Even more, He reminded us that if (for example) I would have been the only one left on the earth, He still would have died, just for me, to save me from eternal misery. In other words, one soul makes everything the matter. One soul makes all the difference. And what a humbling and love-filled truth. If only one soul was saved in Amarillo, TX, all the heavens rejoiced.

But seeing a crowd of kids, teenagers, young adults and adults at the altar, on their knees, broken, weeping, reaching out for Jesus... exceeded our expectations.

"I will do a mighty work tonight," the Lord told me. And it broke me in the most refreshing way.

Coming to find out that for Grace Church, Pure Rebellion was such an immense blessing that has renewed lives confirmed that the work that the Lord had sent us to do was accomplished. It was a new beginning. One in which seeds were planted by Jesus, watered by Jesus, and will come to have fruit because of Jesus.
For Jesus.
By Jesus.

The Good Kinda Fear

Reading a blog from Pyromaniacs: Setting the World on Fire from May there was a post of a Spurgeon daily dose and the following quote was a head nod slash smirk of "dat's right..."

This was not the style of preaching that John's hearers liked; but John did not think of that. He did not come to say what men wished him to say, but to discharge the burden of the Lord, and to speak out plainly what was best for men's eternal and immortal interests. He spoke, therefore, first, concerning the wrath of God; and, next, he spoke concerning the way of escape from that wrath.

Pretty much realizing the seriousness that the Lord holds in His heart of the salvation of men.
To do so, we must remember the wrath to come. Not to induce fear for a hurried, forced repentance that lasts a week but to cultivate a holy fear of God.
Also, a great reminder that we're not here to tell nice Candy Land, fairy tale stories and promises that'll please people and sugar coat their entrance to the Kingdom but to deliver the solid, simple truth of God and His sobering Word of truth.

Fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.
It starts there.

Sufficient

"My grace is sufficient for you..." is what the Lord said.

He is all sufficient.
Everything He is.
Nothing beside Him fills like He does.

There's just nothing in this universe other than Him that satisfies.

He is everything.

Then why, I ask, why is it that our hearts are attracted to such other things that are not Him?

"We are far too easily pleased," said C.S. Lewis in The Weight of Glory.

All this world offers is temporary. And we know that. We know that it will pass away. But we just fall for anything. Like the saying says, "If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything." Yet comes the question, "What do you stand for?"

There must be a right thing to stand for and everything outside of that is the wrong thing.

God is the One to stand for.
And He is everything.
He is sufficient.

So everyday I want to ask myself, "What do I live for?" and I'll hear Him say, "Me."

Daddy

"I'll die if I don't pray."

A phrase that hit me like a ton of bricks in a rather gentle way.

I want to say that.
It's a statement of desperation... but knowing where to go in the midst of it all.
It's being so set on keeping a relationship with the Lord alive that you have to pray. Not because of an obligation but because of a need.

Dad prayed for me today out of the grey. He was getting ready for bed and asked me, "Do you want to pray?" and gestured that I come sit next to him. He took my hand and used his other hand to cover mine. He closed his eyes but looked up and began...

I cannot remember the last time my dad prayed for me. A one-on-one prayer. I dare say that this was the first time this has happened. And how I thanked the Lord. Such a sweet moment, to invoke the Lord's name together.

These are the moments that I'll treasure for the rest of my life... praying with my daddy.

His will= good

Words/phrases that have been popping up often & recently...

Thirst
Hunger
Satisfaction
Relationship with Christ

And I'm sayin' really often.
It's wonderful to see how the Lord is speaking... oh so gently but clearly.

I've been reading Setapartgirl, the March/April issue and amazingly enough I have been able to relate a lot to the entries. Returning to my first love, finding satisfaction in Him, being in love with Christ, He's all that matters, making time for Him in my busy life. Completely speaking to me.

And it is so encouraging to read this because it helps, somehow, to know that I'm not the only one that's feeling this way. It's encouraging to know that other girls have been through this and be reminded of God's will.

"Good is the will of the Lord."... a phrase I heard right when I turned the radio on after an extremely discouraging day.

Good is the will of the Lord.
Not only when a smile is on my face. Not only when everything seems dandy. Not only when I have enough money for my bills. Not only when I'm not sick.
Good is the will of the Lord when I'm feeling discouraged.
Good is the will of the Lord when a family member dies.
Good is the will of the Lord when I'm made fun of because of my lifestyle.
Good is the will of the Lord when I don't understand why things happen.
GOOD is the will of the Lord.

I am a desert in need of rain.

Thirsty

So many people live seeking satisfaction. Seeking a purpose in life. Seeking something more.
Why?
He only said, "I am the way, the truth and the life..." John 14:6a
Straight up. Too simple.
_____________________________________

Satisfaction.
You might describe it as a fire being quenced, as coming up to the surface for a breath of oxygen, having a burden lifted from your shoulders... or just a sigh.
______________________________________

I have a thirst for something... and it's not juice, nor water, or none of that stuff you can drink.
I have a need... but it's not for anything palpable.
I have a longing... for someone. Someone you can't see.

I thirst for Him. I long for Him. I need Him.

Brooke Fraser's C.S. Lewis Song quotes C.S. Lewis in Mere Christianity: "If I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy, I can only conclude that I, I was not made for here."

No human, no financial security, no success in school, no success in career, no thing can ever satisfy me.
I can have a billion dollars, have the most wonderful husband, be a world-wide known speaker, get straight A's... but these will never replace Him.

Yes Him, who has loved me since before I existed. Him who calls me everyday to live for Him. Him who knows me so well He knows what I'm going to say before I say it... He can finish my sentences :)
Him who actually died for me. Yes, He lived on this earth... the one I now walk but He died for me. Him who rose victoriously and brought salvation.

I thirst.

Like I've said before, if I have nothing but I have Him, then I have everything.
If I am destitute yet He is with me, everything's ok.
If I am on the brink of death and He's with me, I have life.

There's so much to know... about Him. Of His fullness.

I long to hear His voice, to see miracles, to...
To change.
I long for the radical, because my God is a radical God.

He is. He simply IS.

But where do I start?
"At My feet," He says.

Surrender... such a satisfying word.
That's all you can do sometimes.

It's wonderful because the only way you can be filled is if you're empty.
The only way to be quenced is to be thirsty.
The only way to gain is to have lost.
The only way to be satisfied is if you're hungry.

"Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need." Matt 6:33

"Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him, and he will act." Psalm 37:5

Tuning in

Before reading this post, read this one so you can get a better perspective of it all ;)


Today was amazing.
Although anyone could call any day amazing because of what they believe is amazing not because of some set standard of amazing.

Ok that was a bit philosophical but today was spiritually amazing.
That's what I was getting at. :)

That might not make sense but what I mean by "spiritually amazing" is that today was a very refreshing day in which I, along with my family, were brought closer to the Lord.

We spent time in the Word, reading one verse each, "going around the circle" so-to-speak. Specifically, we read Isaiah 58...

"The Lord will guide you always;
He will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail."

(The above is just a glimpse of the whole chapter we read... one of my favorite verses of the chapter.)

We prayed.

And something that humbled me was that my dad was led to pray for me, after we had already prayed for others and for situations that we are in at the moment and just confirming the Lord's Word in our lives.
I was taken aback for a second... dad specifically felt led to pray for me, as did my mom. But oh how I welcomed it!

I knelt and we prayed.

It was SO filled with the Lord's presence. He was there.
And I don't say that because of the tears that were shed during the prayer nor because one of us might have felt chills, for that doesn't confirm the Lord's presence. I know He was there. By faith. Because of the prayer's direction to glorify the Lord and because there were 3 of us there calling upon the name of the Lord.

He spoke. And I listened.

It was humbling.
It was uplifting.
All at the same time.

It broke me and put me back together.

It made me cry and made me smile.

Today was a different day.
Like a radio, we tuned in to the Lord's voice... doing away with the static and the fuzz that's been clouding our lives lately.

Today when eating dinner dad asked me, "Are you happy?"
I said, "Yes," my emotions quickly being stirred because I knew that I meant it.
He then asked, "If the Lord came to you right now and said, 'Daughter, what do you want? I will give you anything you desire.' What would you answer Him?"
I quickly smiled, a defense mechanism of mine which tries to hold my tears back. Tears welling up in my eyes seriously demonstrating my sincerity in answer, "'I want to be with You more.'"
I felt like adding a "'Please'" at the end... somehow expressing my earnest desire for that request.

I pray that I may tune in to the Lord's voice and His will every single day of the rest of my life.
Help me Christ.
I love You.

Broken and Released

Mom said, "Well, in a moment of trouble sometimes you get verses in your head. Or even just when you might be in class you remember a verse or a passage from the Word. That's the Lord speaking to you."

I've been told that various times but it is now in my life that I am grasping that.

I was led to pick up a book that's been sitting on my shelf since I bought it at a secondhand store. It's called The Release of the Spirit by Watchman Nee. A while ago I had started to read his book Let Us Pray in Spanish but I suppose it was my lack of time to read it... I just didn't make time to read it and I never finished it.

A little Watchman Nee biography for ya:
Born 1903- Died 1972 in China
He changed his name from Engish version Henry Nee to Watchman Nee "for he considered himself a watchman raised up to sound a warning call in the dark night."
Nee spent around 20 years of his life in prison persecuted because of the Gospel
He has about 55 books available in English
He traveled around communist China planting churches
He never went to seminar or theological school

For more go to watchmannee.org

Some quotes from The Release of the Spirit are:

"Anyone who serves God will discover sooner or later that the great hindrance to his work is not others but himself." And he said this when he was being persecuted...


"Without the breaking of the outward, the inward will not come forth. Thus individually we have no flowing out, but even the Church does not have a living way. Why then should we hold ourselves as so precious, if our outward contains instead of releases the fragrance?"


"Brokenness is the way of blessing, the way of fragrance, the way of fruitfulness, but it is also a path sprinkled with blood. Yes, there is blood from many wounds. When we offer ourselves to the Lord to be at His service, we cannot affort to be lenient, to spare ourselves. We must allow the Lord utterly to crack our outward man, so that He may find a way for His out working."


"The Lord has not waisted even one thing. To understand the Lord's purpose, is to see very clearly that He is aiming at a single objective: the destroying or breaking of the outward man. However, too many, even before the Lord raises a hand, are already upset. Oh, we must realize that all the experiences, troubles and trials which the Lord sends us are for our highest good. We cannot expect the Lord to give better things, for these are His best."


"Should one approach the Lord and pray, saying, 'Oh, Lord, please let me choose the best?' I believe the Lord would tell him, 'What I have given you is the best; your daily trials are for your greatest profit.' So the motive behind all the orderings of God is to destroy our outward man. Once this occurs and the spirit can come forth, we begin to be able to exercise our spirit."


"The timing is in His hand. We cannot shorten the time, though we certainly can prolong it. In some lives the Lord is able to accomplish this work after a few years of dealing; in others it is evident that after ten or twenty years the work is still unfinished. This is most serious! Nothing is more grievous than wasting God's time. How often the Church is hindered! We can preach by using our mind, we can stir others by using our emotions, yet if we do not know how to use our spirit, the Spirit of God cannot touch people through us. The loss is great, should we needlessly prolong the time."


"'It is the Spirit which quickens.'... The Spirit alone makes people live. Your best thought, your best emotion, cannot make people live. Man can be brought to life only by the Spirit."


"...the release of the spirit is the release of the human spirit as well as the release of the Holy Spirt, Who is in the spirit of man... When the Holy Spirit is working, He needs to be carried by the human spirit. The electricity in an electric bulb does not travel like lightning. It must be conducted through electric wires. If you want to use electricity, you need an electric wire to bring it to you. In like manner, the Spririt of God employs the human spirit as His carrier, and through it He is brought to man."


"So God's Spirit is imprisoned within man's spirit and is not able to break forth. Sometimes our outward man (soul) is active, but the inward man (spirit) remans inactive. The outward man has gone forth, while the inward man lags behind."

Before reading this book I had come to the conclusion that something in my life was missing. Specifically, a zeal for the Lord and his Word. A fire that churns, which then awakens me to the reality of life. The word "apathy" constantly echoed in my mind and I prayed against it. I wanted to be more alive, I want to be more alive to the things of the Spirit and dead to the world.

Just last night our family had a tense moment due to anxiety and panic attacks that have been coming on whenever it feels like it. I entered mom and dad's room where they were talking and mom had tears streaming down her face. I sat down to join the newsflash. And the newsflash wasn't that mom was feeling the anxiety coming on again. The newsflash was that our family had never been like this before. Dad had just been diagnosed with adjustment disorder along with anxiety disorder and depression. And mom was feeling discouraged which led to the surge of anxiety.
Just put simply, it was spiritual attack. We were weary. But why?

Dad said, "The Word is being suffocated."

This rang in my ears because it confirms what I've been convicted of recently... of lacking in the usage of His Word or acting upon it... like a radical living of His Word. And even more, it confirmed what the book was mentioning, which I was led to read two nights ago.

We have the Word.
We have the Spirit.
We are in possession of it, but it is waning due to the lack of its usage.

How great is our God?

That's a literal question.
How great is our God?

Do I not confess that He is the creator and ruler of the universe?
Then how come the days are passing, one by one, and I am okay with that?

I mean,
I want to burn for the Lord. I want to be on fire for Him.
I want to be zealous of His Word, of His truth like it's the last day.
I want to speak of His Word habitually, proclaim it.
I want that to be my purpose for the day... for each day.
Until He comes back.

I want to be broken like the alabaster box to release Him, because HE is the fragrance within me.

The Listener who doesn't know what to listen for

We are to be listeners of God.
Listen to what He says.
Listen to what He wants you to hear.

But how are we going to listen to Him if we don't know the ways He speaks?
And I'm referring to methods that He uses to speak to us.

Have you ever questioned that?

I know I've asked the Lord to help me listen to Him better, to quiet me from all my blabbing on and on, because I know that He wants me to listen to Him. I know that He wants to speak to me.
But there's something missing.

I conclude that there's ignorance in my life concerning knowing how He speaks.

Coming to know, to study instances in the Word, when the Lord speaks is to decline in ignorace; is to come to know Him more.

And it is my conviction that He wants me to learn how He speaks. In this, I (or we) can defer from falseness. We will know if it is truly God or some other voice, not of God, speaking to us. We will dive in deeper into the truth.

The Humbling Factor

I've been sick!! :D

Ha ha not something that I would usually be smiling about.
And don't get me wrong... I haven't been smiling :O
This was a very challenging "sickness" whatever it was.
It's receded now.

But have you ever been sick and had quiet time with the Lord?
Some might think that that's a given: to have quiet time with the Lord when you're sick because you're doing so horribly it's like a "must" to pray or something.
Others might think that it's not a given: just hurry up and get better. It's all about me, me, me.

But this quiet time I had was different. It wasn't a, "Oh Lord please help me get better. If You do then I'll do such and such," or "God, I don't know why I got this. What did I do wrong... please take it away" trying to figure out why in the world I'D be sick.

"I DON'T GET SICK! THIS CAN'T BE!!"

This quiet time was a humbling quiet time. One where you're so clueless to what's going on, all you can do is praise Him. You're so empty-handed that all you can do is go for more... of Him. You're so deep in the rut that all you can do is look up. It was a time of gratitude. It was a time of thinking on who God is. A time of being still and knowing that He is God.

When you get in those moments, when you take the time to really sit and consciously think about God, not some ecstatic experience or something that "takes you over", but you choose to meditate on the Lord, He will definitely meet you.

And it's amazing just to think that the God of the universe would take that step, make that decision to meet you... right where you are. The King of the universe! Meeting me! Wanting to hear me out. Wanting to speak to me! To me?!

It's even more amazing to know that this King died for me. Yet rose and lives. And rules.

It's all humbling.
He's all-humbling.

So it seems like this "sickness" helped me huh? I mean I could have gotten angry and just frustrated about this entire situation. I could have tried to find somebody to blame.
What good is that?
Rather this helped me know the Lord a bit more. A bit more of His infinite splendor and all-powerful sovereignty. A piece more of His glory, of His love.

"I pray that out of His glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have the power, together with all the Lord's holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge- that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." Ephesians 3:16-19

Retaliation or Forgiveness

Ah rejection.
A bitter cup to drink... more like someone throws it in your face.

I've just been told, "Leave Katherine. Get outta here. Just disappear."
And it was no joke.
Pretty darn serious.

It's like a cut where the pain comes on slowly.
Like it takes a bit for your brain to process what's just been said to you.

I've always imagined that the big lump in your throat is like a dam that keeps your tears from breaking through. Like it's groaning for the release and it's so hard to swallow!

I walked away like this person told me to. Not slamming doors or anything. Nor stomping my way out.
Just quietly... like a fading ghost.
I think it's best to walk away quietly.

One: because somehow it shows strength.
Two: because you're showing that you didn't really take it personally (even though it might seem hard to take it any other way but read Ephesians 6:12).
Three: because the quietness of your actions helps you meditate through your thoughts better without the parade of emotions trampling you over.

I'm not saying that my flesh wasn't triggered. I'm saying that you have the power to deactivate the ticking bomb. You have the authority to "cool it" and forgive, one of the most Godly acts a human can do. Yes, it's possible, because Jesus has made a way.

Colossians 3:13 "Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you."

I Thee Wed: For Girls

Imagine your wedding day.

All the decorations are up, the sun is shining, the birds are singing and it seems like world peace has finally been reached. All your guests are waiting at the church, your make-up is did, your hair is flawless and you ended up fitting the size of dress you set for yourself. Your nails are impeccable, the limo ride was fabulous and you really did feel like a queen. You're already imagining walking down the aisle, your dress flowing, seeing the love of your life with the biggest smile. All the while you calm yourself down to not start crying so you won't ruin your make-up. Your favorite flowers perfume the entire room with a fragrance to remember, so much so that it seeps through the cracks of the doors that await to be opened to let you in. Everything is perfectly perfect and what's more, you have the cutest flower girls ever. You're ready to walk down the aisle and before the doors open, you close your eyes for one last time as a single woman, breathe, open your eyes....

You notice a blotch on your dress.

It's a strike of black like someone just swung eye-liner on your dress by accident.
Can you imagine?!
Just a small imperfection on your wedding dress is completely dreadful!! It's like one of the most important days of your life right?! Well, I think so.

Would you get married in a wrinkled dress? And I mean the horribly wrinkled dress, not the cute vintage wrinkles that we wear now-a-days. What if you had more than one blotch on your white dress? It stands out doesn't it? It wouldn't be right to just patch it up with a piece of white cloth... it's just not part of the dress.

"...Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless." Ephesians 1:25-27 (emphasis added)

I try to imagine what type of guy would want his bride to have a torn dress on her wedding day. And not just for her to look beautiful but for her to look beautiful for him. And I know that guys like to say, "You look beautiful no matter what." But we're talking about the wedding day here. It's amazing for the bride-to-be to dress up to look beautiful but it's not like she's marrying herself. She's marrying the guy! It's for him! She loves him! Who wouldn't want to look flawless for the one you love?

Jesus wants an unblemished church. No wrinkles, no blotches, no eye-liner on it, no tears, no patches. He wants flawless. But here's the best part: He's already gotten you the dress, and you fit in it perfectly. He had it custom made and you look radiant in it.

That's the way it is now actually, He paid your dress with His blood. He actually died for you to look beautiful. Just for Him.

"'Let us rejoice and be glad and give him glory! For the wedding of the Lamb has come, and his bride has made herself ready. Fine linen, bright and clean, was given her to wear.'" Rev 19:7-8

He loved you long before you loved Him

Zombies? I think not!

Choices, choices. Hard to make sometimes no? But what power we have... to make choices. Better yet, what power we've been given.




Last Sunday we had a family night... nights that I so treasure!

But a quick story:
We ordered pizza, so dad and I went to go pick it up. When we had the pizza and we headed out of the pizza place, a Papa John's employee was walking towards us and passed us with two bags loaded with food labeled KFC.

Oh the irony.
But poppa said, "Well, that's the power of choice for ya."

The employees work at a pizzeria yet a comrade goes out to get some chicken for the crew. They decided they wanted chicken and mashed potatoes.

And dad said, "Those are the things that I try to think about. With any small or huge thing in life. God has given us the ability to make decisions. He gave us that freedom, that independence. But that's where He comes in and says, 'Hey, well, I suggest that you take my road. Keep me in your plans. Choose me because I know what's good for you.' But ultimately it's up to us to accept or reject. To welcome or shun. Left or right."

"'Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.'"
Matthew 7:13-14

"'Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.'"
Mattew 11: 29-30

Strength in the Midst of Tears

My uncle died this morning.

Now, before you feel sorry, let me say that I never had the pleasure of meeting him.
I vaguely remember seeing his face on a picture shown to me a while back.
Mom always talked about him though. How he always protected her as a big brother, how she always went to go sleep over to his house as a little girl when he got married because she missed him being home, how he always bought her little things to spoil her...

The latest that we had heard from him was that he was in the hospital on the brink of death with collapsed lungs from a cough that persisted and got worse...

But death has no sting.

Mom told me the news this morning and she got teary eyed... as did I. I never met him but the reality of it all- that he's not on this earth anymore but in glory- just blazed my reality. I said to myself, "Man, he's there. He made it..." With an inkling to want to clap in congratulations and celebration.

Tonight mom was desperately trying to reach my uncle's wife, the lady that she had grown to view as a sister. She seemed frantic but a helpless frantic, with tears swelling up as she hung up, dialed the number, let the phone ring which no one picked up, dialing another number, no one picking up and so on. She finally got another number and dialed it. She was able to speak to my uncle's wife... to hear her voice and some music... they were having a wake at that very moment.

In the midst of her child-like tears she said, "I'm just calling you to say God bless you and to let you know that He is your strength right now. Thank you so much for what you did all these years for him. I know you spent your whole lives together from such a young age till now..." and she continued with a sweet life story. I wanted to stay with her to just be there as if my presence offered comfort... but at the same time, I wondered if I should leave. So with tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat, I quietly left the room. She wanted to be alone. Soon enough, she closed the door to her room.

Out of all of this, what caught my attention was that my mother was encouraging someone else while the tears were streaming down her cheeks. Do you see what I'm trying to say?
I saw a glimpse of selflessness in a moment that could have been completely devoted to self.
Instead of wallowing in self-pity or reminiscing in past memories, she took that opportunity, that moment to call my aunt to see how she was doing. And even in the midst of my mother's tears, I am sure that my aunt was comforted to receive that phone call from so far away; to know that even if miles, and mountains, and valleys and rivers separate us as a family, we are closer than we think.

Today I thought of death, I though of heaven, I thought of sorrow, I thought of the joy that awaits, I thought about family, and saw strength in the midst of tears.

"My flesh and my heart may fail; But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
Psalm 73:26

Moment of truth

Temptation puts on the glamorous dress. Attracting.
Always ready for the masquerade, she rarely shows her true hideous self.
She plays coy, hard to get so you're lured in.
She tells you beautiful poems and sings
like the Sirens to hypnotize your senses.
She makes everything seem enticing and incredibly pleasing.
She assures you it's ok, nudges you and says, "Go for it."


So what are you going to do?


"Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith..." 2 Peter 5:8-9a

"...give no opportunity/foothold to the devil." Ephesians 4:27

"So humble yourselves before God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you" James 4:7

"I seek you will all my heart, do not let me stray from your commands." Psalm 119:10

World: I plus Me does not equal YOU

I'm taking an internship class that's titled "Service-Learning." Interesting that I never examined the title... I just read it. I completed an assigned reading today that introduces the class... and serving, and compassion, and helping. I never thought I'd see this in a class... or even be in a class that's all about serving. A rather long excerpt made my jaw drop, my eyes widen, made me hold my breath, made me grin and chuckle. It's worth reading. Please do.

Sometimes I help, and sometimes I don't
   I hold the door open for one behind me, or I rush through preoccupied in thought. I vote, but not always. When solicitations come through the mail, some catch my eye or heart and I send at least something. Others I basket as junk mail. A friend is having a hard time. I think I should phone to see how she is, but I just don't feel like doing it tonight.
   I'd do anything to help the family. But how much is enough? When to stretch a little further? Whose needs come first?
   Those close to me get an immediate hearing. The suffering of people more remote gets sporadic attention. I'm only vaguely aware of it. It's out there somewhere.
   Whom should I help anyway? Senior citizens, battered children, human-rights victims, whales? Well, if I don't defuse the nuclear threat, there'll be no tomorrow. But if we don't support education and the arts, what kind of tomorrow will it be?
   If I stop to think about it, I help out for all kinds of reasons. Maybe it's because I should; it's a matter of responsibility. But there's usually a maze of other motives: a need for self-esteem, approval, status, power; the desire to feel useful, find intimacy, pay back some debt.
   Sometimes I'll help though organizations. But the purpose of helping and the people who really need it often seem to fall through th cracks. Maybe I'd rather do it one-to-one, keep my options open, help out here and there.
   I expect my government to relieve suffering. Sometimes it does. But it also pays farmers not to produce wheat while somewhere, every forty-five seconds, a small child starves to death. And a public official, no better or worse a person than I , finds reason to justify this policy- but would probably do everything he could, faced with one starving child.
   There are times when service is effortless. Other days, burnout. With one person, I'm totally open and present. With the next, I might as well be on Mars. Sometimes the chance to care for another human being feels like such grace. But later on, I'll hear myself thinking, "Hey, what about me?"
   Over Gandhi's tomb are inscribed words that say: Think of the poorest person you have ever seen and ask if your next act will be of any use to him. That'll flash through my mind as I prepare to throw a Frisbee. And when I spend fifteen bucks dining out and going to a movie to ward off boredom, I might recall that a fifteen-dollar operation could restore someone's sight in a third-world country. I'm moved by the power of Gandhi's invitation, "Live simply that others might simply live." But I'm not at all clear about how to heed that, day in and day out, here in the affluent West. Sometimes I feel a little guilty.
   I'm fortunate, for the moment, to have good health and loving friends, to be housed and fed, with work to do and some time to play. When I myself need help, there's usually someone to call. I'm able to spend some time away from places where suffering is really visible and just can't be screened out.
   Yet there are few days when I'm not feeling human pain, my own or another's. If it's not there in front of me, I see a steady stream of images of misery on the evening news of a suffering planet: homeless one huddled by a doorway or tree; old one looking vacant in a nursing home; slain revolutionary or national guardsman, both teen-agers; drunk driver just realizing he's killed his whole family; starving child's bloated belly and haunted eyes; victims of natural disasters; helpless leaders, helpless helpers.
   Some images I ponder; what's that one saying? Others make me uneasy; I tune them out. Some make me angry; I want to get up and do something. Others make me sigh; horror and compassion. And finally I might have to turn away, close off, and escape into some philosophical sanctuary. It's all just too much.
   How can I keep my heart open and not go under? I've got my own life to live, after all. Still, I'd like to do more for others. What do I have to offer, and what would help most?

I was able to actually relate to some of this... were you?
It's incredible how generous we can all be but then turn around and be so selfish.

I'm even more moved by Christ's words: "'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater..." Mk 12:31