Honestly

I have never been assaulted the way my father assaults me.
I have never been bashed with words the way my father does it.
I have never been belittled the way my father belittles me.
I have never cried as many tears as I have because of my father.



I have never been loved the way my Father God loves me.
I have never been pursued the way my Father God pursues me.
I have never been told I am worth something like Jesus has.
I have never been picked up from the dirt so forgivingly and restoring-ly the way my Father has done.




Tonight, with tears running down my face and a churning heart I kept repeating, "I'm not what dad says I am. I'm not what dad says I am." Shaking my head, "NO", I just wished his puncturing words could just vanish. But we know it's not that easy. Dad's words cut deep way past my skin and bones tonight. My heart felt so suppressed and tiny I didn't know it could feel that deep. The words were so hurtful I just froze, paralyzed in shock. Becoming numb I only felt the tears tickling my cheek as they slipped out of my eyes.

With all this I started thinking upon Jesus and what HE went through when He was harassed, spit on, crucified... by His own creation. AND HE'S GOD. I am just baffled. I cannot imagine the pain He went through. And even though what I felt tonight was incredibly hurtful, I know it doesn't even come close, not even in the slightest distance closer, to what Jesus felt when He was betrayed, when the nails punctured His skin and bones and when the weight of everyone's sin was upon Him. EVERYONE'S... even those to come. And God to go through that? God who could have well remained on His glorious throne. He's amazing.

At the thought of all this I was humbled and refreshed. Jesus holds me. Jesus loves me. Jesus tells me who I am.

Jesus.

God is love and I want to be rooted in love. Oh how the enemy tried coercing me into his twisted plans. But I am not his to fool around with. Only Jesus can use me because I am His vessel and His vessel alone. I will remain His vessel until my last breath and even then I will confess that Jesus is Lord.