Organizing the heart

I wrote the following last night (or this morning rather). It was on my heart and I knew I couldn't go to sleep without sorting it out...

When somebody’s short with you and you don’t understand why… it’s hard to let that just slide. Well for me, I try to find the “Why.” Because it tends to hurt. And I want to know if I did something and what it was so I could fix it. But there are just some people that don’t like to explain themselves. So then what?

When you end up at a dead end what happens next?

What happens when someone’s angry at you just because?

What happens when you can’t find the reason?

What happens when you are SO certain you didn’t do anything wrong, yet the other person holds something against you? Something they don’t even want to talk about…

You know what I think? I think I should be the one to say, “I’m sorry.”

But supposedly I didn’t do anything wrong. So why in the world would I be the one to apologize?

Doesn’t seem to make sense does it? Yeah, not at first glance. But that’s the beauty of a humble heart, of surrender, of breaking pride to pieces: Being humble makes no sense, to the natural mind. It’s something I am not capable of alone. Do you know why? I am pride-full. I find myself scoffing at that person who gives me the silent treatment because I see their stubbornness and pride so ostentatiously. Still, I pay them back with the same coin: pride. Waiting for THEM to talk to me because “I didn’t do anything wrong.” Acting like my life is fine to show that they can’t hurt me; trying to act strong. But I find that this festers up inside of me. I’m convicted.

The humblest heart is the greatest.

That’s a supernatural statement. Believe it.

So as I am humbled by the Lord’s hand, I come to find rest. I come to find love. I come to find forgiveness. I come to find… my eyes set on Christ. With my eyes set on that other person, I automatically try to find something wrong with that person. With my eyes set on me, my heart falters and my pride swells. With my eyes set on Christ, everything else ends up where it’s supposed to be: below Him. Even I end up below Him. And what a wonderful place that is to be. To fall flat on your face before His mighty throne. To be in such a need for His love that it’s literally desperation. To have such a hunger for all that He is that anything but Him will just not do.

Praise the Lord for putting a desire for Him in our hearts. Praise the Lord that He made me need Him. Praise the Lord that I am nothing without Him. Praise the Lord that nothing in this world satisfies.

Meditating on how the flesh battles with the Spirit, I realize how bad I am. Yes, bad. I’m bad. You’re bad. As in awful, vile, despicable. Only by the blood of the Lamb, by faith, am I made otherwise. So I never did anything (and never will do anything) that makes me anything other than bad. It’s only Christ who changes me, who made me new, who redeemed me.

So should I say, “I’m sorry. Whatever I did I’m so sorry,” without understanding or finding a reason of WHY I’m even apologizing? Yes, I should.

There are some things in the Designer’s master plan that we’re not going to understand. All we know is that we can trust Him. That’s a promise, and the Lord is such a gentleman to never break His promises. So as we know that His promises are true, and that He repeatedly tells us to trust Him, we can hold on to that. So even if we’re clueless about certain things, everything’s fine. Because it is He in charge of shaping your life. Everything’s going to be ok because Christ, my Friend and King, is still in control. And still His Word prevails, “All things work together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.”

The last shall be first.

The Lord draws near to those of lowly heart.

Humble yourselves before the mighty hand of God…

1:30 a.m.